Columns » Bob Lancaster

Zookeeper resume


Consider this a sort of application and resume.

My credentials follow. You might note I've altered my views somewhat to suit the situation, but it was necessary under the circumstances, so let us move on.

Like Newt, I think it's OK, if your wife comes down with terminal cancer, to scrap her for a hotter model.

Like Bro. Pat, I think it's OK, if your wife comes down with Alzheimer's, to scrap her for a clearer-minded model, since she's kinda dead anyway.

Like Caribou, I think a little lipstick can prettify an awful lot of pig.

Like Michelle, I'm stronger than average on American history, except the part that tells who did what where when and why.

Like the Trumpster, I think our Mideast or Far East or whatever policy ought to be we go in and take the oil, barrel it up, bring it home, give it to Exxon, BP and let them sell it back to us at a 1,000 percent profit, and then, for no particular reason, we call the Chinese leaders motherfuckers.

Like Newt again, I make it a policy to refuse to answer gotcha questions from the debate question-askers such as the one about whether I walked to school or carried my lunch.

Like the Huck, I think it's less about what you can do for your country or what your country can do for you than it is how much Cheez-Whiz is in it for Porky.

Like Michelle again, I think we ought to drill-baby-drill in the Everglades, and even more at Disney World, where Exxon and BP and them could get extra subsidies by stringing rides between their derricks.

I'm on record as having endorsed Herm's 999 tax plan (9 percent sales tax, 9 per cent income tax, 9 per cent corporate tax), only I'd turn it upside down and have a 666 tax plan — 6 per cent sales tax, 6 percent income tax and 6 per cent tax on the Whores of Babylon.

Like  Michelle again, I favor a return to the Hoot-Smalley tariffs.

Like Lone Star Rick, I think Social Security is a Fonzi scheme, or something criminal like that, and that scraping-by geezers are going to have to bite the bullet like the rest of us. Well, all of us except the, er, uh, job creators.

Also like Rick, I think a state ought to be able to secede if it's clearly better than the other states or if we get a Negro president or some tragedy like that.

Also like Rick, I think it's better to execute 100 innocent people than let one guilty one go free.

Like the other Rick (Sanitorium, I think it is) I hold that the rights of any fetus you might be carrying, even if it's a rapist's or your idiot pappy's, trump any rights you might've thought you had. Slut.

I hate Sharia law as bad as the other Rick does, except the part that lets you stone your wife to death if she gets cancer or Alzheimer's.

Like Ron, I don't think church and state should be separated by a wall — "Mr. Jefferson, tear down this wall" — and I'm ag'in child-labor laws, the minimum wage, and other such government nannying.

I'm both for and against everything that Mitt is also for and against, and some other things too. Gays, for example. I'm for Don't Ask Don't Tell, and I'm against it, depending. I could also be for the Don't Ask and against the Don't Tell, or vicey versey. Just let me know.

Here are some of my other newly revised precis highlights or talking points or whatever the hell they are:

• If you're going to have stimulus spending on projects like high-speed rail lines then the Coors beer train ought to get top priority. 

• Them that don't like it here should go back where they came from. American Indians, for example.

• We should shame the media into getting back to important issues like whether the president having a tallywhacker shaped like a fishhook is grounds for impeachment.

• If you've ever called God Allah they shouldn't let you on a plane.

• Put the Gilbert Stuart painting of George Washington on the wall over the blackboard in every public school classroom and you'll solve most of our national ills.

• Put God back in the classroom, even if He doesn't want to go.

As far as intraparty housekeeping this is where I'm at:

• Have more orgies in Vegas like we did when Michael Steele was president, or whatever he was.

• To keep them happy and on our side, supply all the leading televangelists with boy toys.

• Go halvsies with our Big Pharma friends to keep Mt. Rushbo ass-deep in oxies.

And so forth.

What I'm getting at, all these GOP and TP presidential candidates bickering and sniping at one another. That's no way to win. They need a consensus candidate who can consolidate all of their favorite nutty views and express them in a way that invites the least amount of ridicule. I could do that. I would do it, too, God help me, in the wild hope it might help salvage a little something from the coming catastrophe.

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