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Wretched rez

I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.

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I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along. Herewith I resolve —

To do things that are more this: simple, nutritious, bodacious, thoughtful, heuristic, practical, profitable, informed, kind, honest, sensible, ethical, honorable, fun, sophrosyne-indicative, couth, vorpal, slapstick, geeky, laconic, nuanced, invigorating, sanitary, supportive, modest, courteous, neighborly, stylish, substantial, encouraging, generous, daunting, unscripted, hopeful, appetizing, original, appreciative, charitable, civilized, useful, surprising, idiosyncratic, productive, literate, focused, tax-deductible, worthwhile, sinister, structured, contrary, improvisational, quixotic, timely, timeless, apt, amicable, picturesque, effectual, wry, subtle, savvy, disreputable, chimerical, inconclu...

To do things that are less this: simplistic, mumbly, own-horn tooty, technical, smarmy, schmoozy, tiresome, name-droppy, sameold-sameold, monkeysee-monkeydo, hooey, blathery, blustery, just jerking off, fiddle-farting around, cruel, cryptic, lyrical, nudge-nudgey, pencil-necked, nugatory, cyber, selfish, trite, habitual, purple, mainstream, goobery, button-pushy, bombastic, contagious, flag-poley, frothy, practical-jokey, around-the-bush beating, meddlesome, worry-warty, back-bitey, mouthy, tight-assed, half-assed, wise-ass, geezerly, cloying, chauvinistic, gross, fattening, itchy, tacky, shirky, vain, pathological, sesquipedalian, preachy, trashy, nosy, pretentious, querulous, sanctimonious, melodramatic, pompous, mannered, ill-mannered, rude, petty, smug, sucky, hyperbolic, repetitive, fancy-pantsy, sentimental, boorish, nostalgic, cowardly, conventional, murky, garish, judgmental, malicious, foolhardy, neurotic, supercilious, addlepated, whiny, abject, phlegmatic, fiendish, kooky, gullible, arachnophobic, brutish, thin-skinned, slovenly, credulous, icky, horse's-assy, artsy, contrived, plodding, perishable, prolix, platitudinous, obvious, priggish, bumptious, woebegone, puerile, shabby, shoddy, half-baked, doctrinaire, convoluted, forced, lame, swinish, rhapsodic, paranoid, provincial, wasteful, patronizing, specious, fatuous, hortatory, asinine, jingoistic, disingenuous, paternalistic, propagandistic, calculating, pusillanimous, dogmatic, slovenly, hokey, Greenbergian, gnarly, snotty, mawkish, unctuous, pedantic, obsequious, braggy, hidebound, cheesy, sleazy, self-serving, douchey, bilious, posturing, Pecksniffian, abstract, short-sighted, exhibitionistic, hateful, cynical, listy (like this), yodda yodda (this too), redunda...

To avoid or eschew such contemporary wretched excesses as these: paradigms, scenarios, back stories, gravitases, hubrises, narratives, agendas, sidebars, dank spliffs, feng shui, chatter, talking points, truthiness, rasta, gangsta, time-shares, dark money, clickbait, cognitive dissonance, dropping curtseys, Two Corinthians, affluenza, asshats, dude smoothies, plumber's-butt britches closeups, dogwhistle campaigning, collateral damage, pharaoh granaries, shortselling, itiswhatitises, altarboying, Ponzi schemeing, shoutouts, pushbacks, baby bumps, dubsmashing, interventioning, fist-bumping, breitbarting, trout-lipping, Beer Pong, selfies, conversating, funeralizing, sieg-heiling, hostile takeovers, send-ups, cthulhus, coup plotting, jibber jabbers, bucket-listing, spam, grand theft auto, swag, goth, scobies, cooties, pranking, fitbit, swift-boating, hoverboarding, waterboarding, memes, hashtags, singularities, whatevers, basicallys, duggary, joshduggary, trolling, rehoming, superstring theory, entanglement, conflation, quantum mechanics, emojis, leveraging, scripting, stonewalling, drones, open carry, goon squads, geek squads, the God Squad, cra-cra, rad, OIC constipation, c-diff, Westboro ghoulery, fracking, grifting, ugga bugga, shock & awe, debate undercards, podium orange, dongles, the Baidu code, strategery, authenticity, gobsmacking, outsourcing, twerking, bling, endgameing, rasslemania, baby-mamas, mashups, disambiguation, thug lite, reverse mortgages, ratfucking, muscle memory, paleodieting, bitcoinage, wilding, humblebrag, fly, slowclapping, texting, sexting, gittin-r-done, sabremetrics, jasonraping, slut-shaming, phenomenological thermodynamics, Gronking, zupdog, street cred, love offerings, cosplay, vaping, virtuality, ruin porn, glam rock, dental implants, doubledown mendacity, fantasy football, spin, fails, epic fails, dichotomies, teledildonics, hot messes, retro, ubering, pekaboo gerbiling, moral flexibility, and barroom dwarf-tossing and a-kicking and a-gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer.

Bob Lancaster is a former editor and columnist for the Arkansas Times.

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