Columns » Bob Lancaster

Who to torture

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What we could do is round up all these gays — the ones who want to get married and raise children and all — and put them in these secret CIA torture prisons that President Bush is trying to legalize.

The torturers could use them for practice until the president and the Congress work out the details of which tortures we’re going to use on the POWs from the War on Terror who won’t talk. Our torturers could try out the whole torture arsenal on the gays and nobody would care except the usual whiners.

This approach would not only get the gays off the street, and keep them off since you can detain people in these prisons as long as you want to without charging them with anything, and we’d get the added benefit of an election campaign that wasn’t rendered unpleasant by a lot of squabbling over whether gay marriage is really marriage or just a sham that makes God want to puke.

I’m not sure I’d favor torturing gay people just because of their orientation, except that the gay people might derive positive benefits from the experience. Certain electrical and brain-surgery tortures, for instance, might prove effective in “turning” gay people — turning them back into the normal horny heteros who make up respectable society. I would think it’s certainly worth a shot, and I would think that most gays who yearn to be normal would think so too, and would submit voluntarily.

It would probably simplify matters if all the gays who’d been through the torture program got a number tattooed on the forearm. It would be a kind of badge of honor, and would show up the imposters who claimed they’d already been through the program when they really hadn’t. I’d think those imposters would deserve a double dose.

I had intended at this point to veer off in a different direction, but I like this idea of practice torture on our enemies foreign and domestic and want to pursue it briefly. If we use up all the homos before our torturers perfect the art, there are a number of minorities we could throw into the breach.

We could go a long way toward solving this illegal immigration problem, for instance. There’s a nice window for carting the illegals away to the secret torture prisons. It’s the dull period between the arrest and the deportation, when neither the authorities nor the detainees have anything constructive to do. A little torture practice would fill the slow period for all concerned.

And it’s not like anybody would miss them. Their families would assume hasty deportation as usual, and would be afraid to ask too many questions, and if they got too inquisitive, they could be invited to join the secret torture process themselves. Pretty soon the immigration problem would be a minor thing, much more manageable.

If we ran out of gays and illegals to torture, my recommendation for next in line would be the heretics.

Back in its prime, the Catholic Church could make an overnight heresy out of almost any belief when its inquisitors were in need of warm bodies to practice on. We could start with the atheists, who’d only be getting what they deserved, no matter how intense or gruesome — and then work down through the lesser offenders, the Presbyterians, the Episcopalians, Methodists, and even the squishy Baptist types who think God loves us all.

Anybody liberaler than your standard full-bore evangelical fundamentalist roller or tonguer, the spooks would be free to practice on to their hearts’ content.

I mean, who’s going to complain if they draw-and-quarter somebody that thinks there are only Nine Commandments? We might gather some important information on our enemies from that. You never know till you try, right?

After the heretics we could do the traitors. Secretary Rumsfeld and Veep GFY Cheney and talk radio have outed most of this vermin, and it shouldn’t be hard to flush their sorry co-conspirators, the scum hiding there in dark places like behind the First Amendment and their aid-and-comfort sympathizers who may not even know what a serious offense it is to harbor cut-and-run sentiments or to encourage the advocates of such rot by defending their right to yap.

Most of us have a built-in gaydar, and we also have a seldom-used built-in traidar that lets us ID a traitor without any evidence to back it up except a hunch or gut-feeling based on subtle and elusive mannerisms such as they way they walk. And once the torture apparatus is up and working, we must remember to alert the authorities when our gaydar or traidar or Mexidar goes off. There’s precedent for this.

Also, while there are still plenty of gays, illegals, heretics, traitors, and other undesirables to serve as guinea pigs — Gypsies, evolutionists, Bill Clinton — there should be bipartisan legislation to insure that our torture troops, unlike our ground troops in Iraq, are adequately equipped. There’ll be the usual trillions in cost overruns and profiteering, sure, but about all the torture equipment we’ve got now is old dentist-office rummage.

In the stainless groaneries of the 21st century, that just won’t do.


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