Entertainment » A Boy Named Sooie

W is for ‘whatever’



What? You thought Chattanooga couldn't line up with the Hogs? Why come? I mean, they owned Georgia Southern. And their QB had a better completion percentage coming into the game than our own “Division I” QB, Casey Dick. Who is from Texas. Where football means business, like on that “Friday Night Lights” show. And! They feature a double-threat backfield in Errol Wynn and Bryan Fitzgerald. Kinda. I mean, they have and use two backs. And freshmen and sophomores make up the majority of their team. So less wear and tear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah: They're 1-4. But all of those L's were within two touchdowns. And they're coming off a really tough loss to something called “the Citadel.” This is a program important enough to be preceded by a grammatical article. Sounds like some shadowy organization Jack Bauer might run into on a particularly bad day. What's their mascot? The Ninjas?

Oh yeah, and ALSO: The Hogs weren't actually playing at home. Hell, their winning percentage at War Memorial can't be significantly better than at Reynolds. If Razorback receivers can't haul in balls clumsily tossed within a 10-yard radius of their (really very simple) routes, how do they expect Casey Dick to complete any passes? And if D-Mac insists on running between the tackles time and time again, how can he expect to win the Heisman? Nutt can recruit certain players and give them scholarships and put them on the field and pray really hard for them on the sidelines, but he can't be expected to tell them what to do once they get there. You can supply a workhorse with orange coolers full of water, but you can't make him … Never mind.

So the strapping young walk-ons from Chattanooga went a long way toward preparing us for Auburn, who had a really gosh-darn hard time upsetting the No. 4 team in the country a couple weeks backs. This squad, apparently made up of both Tigers and War Eagles, might be every bit as tough as the Mocs, who are neither Moccasins nor Mockingbirds. But Brad Lester's ferocious return to the backfield last week was probably a fluke, since it was against a Vandy team that would pro'lly have rather been reading a book or something. Brandon Tate only averages five yards a carry and is most definitely less good than Cadillac Williams. Brandon Cox sucked at the beginning of the year, and as we all know, QBs can't be expected to improve throughout the season. Kodi Burns and Lee Ziemba can't be all that good, or we would have recruited them.

Their coach boasts a measly road record over the last three seasons, having lost one game in 11. And his 4-0 career record versus top 5 teams means nothing to us, since we aren't in the top 5.

Perhaps the most promising statistic leading into this weekend's game is the Nuttster's commanding 6-5 record against Tommy Tuberville. So ... flip a coin.

Add a comment