Columns » Bob Lancaster

This blood's for you


Well, it's been a lot better here at the SBC since us inerrantists took over and ran all the liberals out. Most of them have slunk off to join the Methodists and other cults, and it sure is quieter and more harmonious here at the convention without them. I wish them well but am more certain than ever that they and we will be going in opposite directions in the sweet by and by. Since we stifled all the dissent, the convention runs along so smoothly that you can safely nap. All that time isn't wasted in acrimonious debate. So we can have late breakfasts, early lunches, and dinners starting as early as 3:30 in the afternoon. There's very little new business, and the old business consists pretty much entirely of restating our core principles, just in case anybody was wondering. Here are some of the ones that we restated this time: Yes, every word of the Bible is literally true, even the parts that don't make sense, because it was written by the Holy Spirit, who as you know is like God's brother. There's not much more to it than this: If you believe the right things when you die, you go on to Heaven and live happily forever, fish all day every day if you want to, or watch TV with an unlimited number of channels. If you believe the wrong things when you die, you go on to Hell and get tortured endlessly. It's your choice, and you can't get out of choosing - because the hereafter isn't a democracy. It's more like a dictatorship, although we play down that aspect of it. Some animals get to go to Heaven but most don't, and with animals what they believe or don't believe has nothing to do with it. They're luckier than people in that respect. Don't have your pet baptized thinking that will help because it won't. Luther and Calvin and them were wrong about predestination for humans, but for animals it's a true fact. They'd just take up too much time otherwise. The lines would be just too long. Among the animals that you can definitely expect to see in Heaven are the donkey that Jesus rode into Jerusalem, the trick camel that pulls rich people through the eye of a needle, and Lassie. You can bet none of those Hindus' cows will be there. If you're a woman and you have an abusive husband, don't divorce him or be all the time calling the law on him. Grin and bear it like the Bible says. The Bible also says you women aren't supposed to aspire to be preachers. Keep your place, and it's not the pulpit. If you're a gay man, you can't be a preacher, either, despite what these nasty Episcopalians say. They'll get their chance to preach all their feminism and gayness to a forked-tailed congregation in you-know-where. Home schooling or church schooling is the right way to go because we don't want to be sending our children somewhere that has thrown God out. We kicked around a resolution asking our members to boycott the public schools, but in the end we didn't pass it. Our thinking was that we'd have a better chance of changing their minds and turning this situation around if we stayed there amongst them, like the Lord slumming amongst sinners. If we just up and left, think how hard it would be on the football team knowing they'd never again get On High help for a big home game by way of a press box prayer. And who would confront the science teacher with the unanswerable proof against evolution of Adam and Eve? Nothing new on abortion except unanimous agreement that anybody that's ever called partial-birth abortion a "procedure" must've heard that term directly from Satan's mouth and of course will go to Hell. A vote of thanks to the president for being as grossed out as we are over homos marrying, and for realizing that every one of those little stem cells has a little soul that can go either way when it dies. A vote of thanks to Judge Moore, the Ten Commandments monument man, for trying to tear down that wall separating church and state the way President Reagan tore down the Berlin Wall. Our annual Get Out of Hell Free award to Mel Gibson, even though he's a Catholic, for his swell Jesus movie. Mel is the second movie person to win this award, the first being Charlton Heston, naturally. Yours truly took along photos of the roadside billboard we erected recently back home in Arkansas, the one with the big gruesome picture of Mel's bloody Jesus, with the caption, borrowed from Budweiser, saying, "This Blood's for You." Messengers here who saw the photos said the billboard was real clever and were eager to get back home and put up their own.

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