- SUCKS: 'Transylmania.'
Text sent five minutes into “Transylmania,” during opening credits: “Already the worst movie I've ever seen!”
Text thereafter received: “In a good way?”
Answer: No. Not even close. In fact, “Transylmania” isn't just bad, it's bad even for bad. It's where bad goes for an emetic. When the most memorable scene in an alleged comedy is of two people puking into separate buckets, each puking because the other is puking, just puking and puking, then you know you're watching a puke bucket of a movie.
The premise of the film (calling it an actual plot demeans the word “plot”) is that a handful of American college students head to Romania to study abroad at Razman University, contained in a Transylvanian castle and afflicted with some convoluted vampire curse. The oleaginous knee-tall dean (David Steinberg, slumming here after his turn as an Oompa Loompa in “Epic Movie”) clashes with the pneumatic, overzealous vampire huntress on his faculty (Musetta Vander) and demands alpha-stoner Rusty (Oren Skoog) to court his hunchbacked daughter under pain of medieval torture. Eventually the vampire legends — true, it turns out — churn up a long-dead vampire who looks just like Rusty, as well as a bunch of lady vampires who look for excuses to wriggle out of their shirts. The acting is leaden, the writing is compound stupid and the attempted jokes are the sort of lazy stoner humor that gives a bad name to stoners. Oh, and just when you think it can't get any worse, “Bad to the Bone” plays.
The two directors who signed their names to this slagheap, David and Scott Hillenbrand, also brought the world “National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze” and its straight-to-video sequel. “Transylmania,” filmed in 2007, no doubt would have followed the same ignoble fate if not for the current vampire/zombie/werewolf chic. It's baffling that some studio threw up “Transylmania” into theaters until you recall the vast riches the sequel to “Twilight” just scored. It may be jejune, sloppy and plain boring, but “Transylmania,” at least, is a vampire movie with a vague idea of how much it sucks. Now it deserves no less than the fate it prescribes for a villager bitten and killed by vampires: We should drive a stake through its heart, chop off and its head, burn the corpse, then saw off its limbs and bury them in four separate locations. Let us never speak its name again.