The Observer reported Jan. 20 having seen a “rakish jet-black Cadillac” which bore a license plate reading BDABING, and wondered — was there a Soprano at the wheel? Now, from the horse head’s mouth, we get this message:
“ARE YOUUUZ TALKING TO ME? Must be … I am the driver of the sleek, black CTS Cadillac named ‘BDABING.’ Sorry to bust any bubbles, but I’m not a mobster nor have a last name like Soprano. The only similarity between Tony Soprano and myself is our bellies, a little Italian blood and our initials. TS. And no, I am not in any type of witness protection program. But as the years have passed, my hair has become silver gray and I have been referred to as John Gotti and/or the Godfather several times. I have been known to wear a black-rimmed hat and a long black trench coat while making a ‘hit’ … selling Cadillacs. So the next time you see a Black CTS with the license plate ‘BDABING,’ rest assured the man behind the dark glass has a ‘contract out on you,’ but only to sell you your next Cadillac! I will make you an offer you can’t refuse! Thanks for your recognition of BDABING. The Family thanks you too!
Your Cadillac man and a huge Soprano fan
P.S. My wife’s name is Pammy. Maybe you will see her sometime in her car with the license plate, you got it, BDABOOM!”
Now that we know SpongeBob isn’t so Squarepants after all, we’re suspicious about other animals we’ve known and loved who, had we known, we would not have loved, since they posed a threat to the very fabric of our society.
Worse, these are real animals, on land, whose homosexual antics were on view for every Little Rock child to see for decades.
Ruth and Ellen were never far apart, now we think of it, and they sometimes rubbed their butch pachydermal hides together. Now that SpongeBob has been squeezed out and shown to be, not a child’s cartoon character, but a sly porifera seeking to soak up our innocence, we see what dangerous folly it was to believe the zoo’s claim that the elephants were just “two spinsters” saving on hay.
When Ruth died, Ellen trumpeted loud and mournfully and went into a long depression — further evidence of an indecent relationship — until, in 2001, she met a new girl, Mary. It was love at first sight: they were photographed with their trunks entwined, just like Bob holding hands with his friend Patrick the (limp-wristed) Starfish when they emerged from the pineapple under the sea.
Though the teletubbie Tinky Winky, a purple baby with a TV in its tummy, was, in retrospect, flaming, we were caught unaware. SpongeBob rang no bells, either.
Now we’re more diligent about these perversities, eyeing the animal kingdom a little more carefully. We may even have to quit going to Paws Park down by the river, because, believe The Observer, there’s immodest behavior down there, and it’s probably not so innocent. Now we think about it, we’re sure we’ve seen same-sex sniffing. Send them back to the doghouse!
The purchase of the Lovely County Citizen newspaper in Eureka Springs by Rust Communications, which owns Eureka’s Times-Echo, has got our panties in a twist. The Lovely County Citizen is itself lovely, reporting on the antics of that schizophrenic hill town with open and gentle humor. We have often drawn on its police beat to amuse the readers of this column, and we do so again, hoping it won’t be the last time:
“Thursday, May 20
2:10 p.m. — A man pestering female subjects near a downtown lingerie shop gave officers the slip.”