1. The plaintiffs in a class action lawsuit over damage from the ExxonMobil pipeline break in Mayflower filed a response this week that included reference to a historical nuisance that will surely be memorable to many from Central Arkansas. What pain-in-the-ass of old did they dredge up from the dustbin of history? A) 1988 lawsuit over the stench of slaughtered elves used to make vanilla wafers at Jackson Cookie Co. in North Little Rock.
B) 1936 Pulaski County lawsuit: He Who Smelt it v. He Who Dealt it. C) The massive Christmas light displays of Jennings Osborne, which caused prodigious traffic tie-ups along Cantrell Road.
D) 1997 incident in which Max Brantley carefully picked out and ate all the marshmallows in Circuit Judge Ellen Brantley's box of Lucky Charms.
2. In late July, a Trumann man who is paralyzed from the waist down awoke to find that the stray dog he'd adopted had done something very bad. What did the dog do? A) Invited over some bitches for Beggin' Strips. Bitches love Beggin' Strips. B) Ate one of his owner's testicles. C) Rolled the car down the driveway in the middle of the night and went out joyriding. D) Learned to speak, and started blabbing all over town about how his master spends every Friday night frowning at his manboobs in despair.
3. The Republican National Committee has threatened to pull out of the 2016 presidential debates if NBC goes ahead with its plan to air a certain television program. What's the topic of the program? A) Grainy, circa-1994 Newt Gingrich sex tape. We support their efforts. B) A planned miniseries about the life of Hillary Clinton, starring Diane Lane. C) Leaked campaign-trail footage of Mitt Romney at a $50,000 a plate fundraiser, explaining to donors how to properly cook and eat homeless people.
D) Video of U.S. Rep. Tim Griffin without the rubber mask that normally conceals his true identity: merciless reptile warlord Q'axulparq of Planet Xerxes-5.
4. A Craighead County teen was arrested last week after pulling an online prank. What was the prank?
A) Impersonated Alison Krauss, bilked an old dude out of all his money. Again. B) Had a friend take a picture of him pointing a pistol at the head of a bound and gagged 13-year-old, then posted it to Facebook.
C) Want answer? Please to you kind sir, send check of cashier for amount $50,000 US dollar to Legitimate Businessman Biff Johnson, P.O. Box 4323, Abuja, Nigeria.
D) Convinced millions of investors that www.pets.com was going to be the next Coca-Cola.
5. A woman from McAlmont reported last week that her 12-year-old grandson had been beaten by other kids at church camp. Why did the woman say her grandson was beaten? A) Planted two crops in the same field, as prohibited in Leviticus 19:19.
B) Kids asked themselves: What would Jesus do? Decided Jesus would lay a beatdown.
C) He had made fun of a camp counselor's shot on the basketball court, at which time the counselor allegedly instructed other kids to beat him up.
D) Kid put a few too many bedazzles on the wallet he made in the craft tent, so the preacher pronounced him gay.
6) A Bismarck man was recently arrested for allegedly leaving his 5-year-old son alone in a car in a dark parking lot, with the boy later found wandering around crying among the cars after midnight. Where did police say the dad went? A) Kidnapped by slave traders and put to work in a nail salon. B) Ran into a burning pet store to save all the kittens and puppies. C) Attempting to free a hiker whose arm had become wedged under a fallen boulder. D) Was inside hitting the "games of skill" at the Oaklawn racino. You almost saw that one coming, didn't you?
Answers: C, B, B, B, C, D