Columns » Bob Lancaster

Thanksgiving 2005

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Thanks for the 36 percent from another planet who think he’s doing a good job.

Thanks for Tom Cruise’s depth.

Thanks for all the Social Security reform.

Thanks for making the prescription drug benefit application so simple and easy.

Thanks for the hurricanes and the swift FEMA efficiency they brought to light.

Thanks for catfish protectionism.

Thanks for covenant marriages and all the sanctimonious dweebs who indulge in such show.

Thanks for those who continue to think that a forced folksy style will make readers think them clever.

Thanks for the deluge of video poker machines even now en route to your favorite race track.

Thanks for all these rioters that nobody knows what they’re rioting about.

Thanks for neocon supercilious assmunchery.

Thanks for all the classroom testing that has taken the place of classroom learning.

Thanks for the politicians who, lacking sense, any record to speak of, or expertise, are obliged to contrive and rely on a gimmick.

Thanks again for talk radio, especially these really lame local yokels.

Thanks for Intelligent Design and the progress it has made in returning our science to good old 16th century standards.

Thanks for the entire contemporary tomato crop.

Thanks for the play-calling in the South Carolina game.

Thanks for the steroids turning a goodly number of our best athletes into Herman Munster.

Thanks for the deer explosion that’s made it unsafe to drive down country lane or city street.

Thanks for Tom Coughlin and all the other Wal-Mart dicks.

Thanks for Tom Delay and the kind of sleazy corruption he’s come to personify.

Thanks for No Child Left Behind, another way of saying None of Them Getting Anywhere.

Thanks for Brownie and the heckuva job he was doing.

Thanks for Barbara Bush’s regard for the less fortunate and her admirable way of expressing it.

Thanks for the Bush-Cheney definition of patriotism as either agreeing with their policies or keeping your mouth shut.

Thanks for the American Legion saying it’s all right for us to have free speech as long as we don’t exercise it.

Thanks for the fall’s goldenrod and the springtime’s pollen blizzard.

Thanks for the New McCarthyism.

Thanks for Ed Klein.

Thanks for the big gas gouge in August and September and the not-under-oath oil exec lies presuming to explain it.

Thanks for however many thousands the Iraq death toll is up to now.

Thanks for Duggar fecundity, which obviously intends to break the record, if there is one.

Thanks for the unending “breaking news from Aruba.”

Thanks for the big hockey comeback.

Thanks for Karl Rove’s nickname, and for Karl Rove.

Thanks for Kobe Bryant.

Thanks for Judith Miller and more egg on journalism’s face courtesy of the New York Times.

Thanks for the impressive amount of venom that can be transferred from one fire ant mound to one oldtimer fat-guy’s ankle.

Thanks for Harriet Miers and her incredibly brown nose.

Thanks for all these smirking bastards.

Thanks for phishing.

Thanks for all these copkiller computer games.

Thanks for the Michael Jackson jury.

Thanks for the perv clergy.

Thanks for the black hole at the center of the galaxy.

Thanks for Kenneth Tomlinson.

Thanks for whatever it is that keeps getting into an inaccessible part of the chimney and dying there.

Thanks for “talking points,” and for those who need them.

Thanks for Terrell Owens.

Thanks for the Gang of 14.

Thanks for Kenny Rogers, the thug pitcher, and, OK, for the other one too.

Thanks for what meth has done to so many erstwhile attractive countenances.

Thanks for all the pencil-neck geeks.

Thanks for David O. Doddery having survived one more year.

Thanks for smoked-salmon flavored soda pop.

Thanks for the 21st century so far.

Thanks again for that last one. Really been swell so far.

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