Columns » Bob Lancaster

Swami sez

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It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future, Yogi Berra said. It is tough, but I’ve got some for 2007.

First from the ’hood —

• In what he hopes will kickstart a sputtering presidential campaign, former Gov. Mike Huckabee will blame all of his political mistakes and miscalculations on his having been abused as a child by Max Brantley’s father.

• Mr. and Mrs. Mike Masterson will launch a campaign to remove from Arkansas public-school libraries any book that refers to any human-torso protuberances or cavities in any manner other than as “naughty bits.”

• Asa Hutchinson will undergo exclamation-point removal surgery and will afterward say in understatement, “It’s a great relief to be rid of that thing.” He will award punctuational custody of it to Huckabee who may try a variation in the Big Enchilada — with an upside-down one preceding the name in his Hispanic-targeted ads as well as the regular one following.

• Hoping to shut up the indefatigable “house trailer” wags, Clinton Library bigs will erect a west-wall façade that will make the structure look from I-30 exactly like the old Marion Hotel, including the Gar Hole sign.

• A list of the richest Arkansans will show that all of them who aren’t Waltons or coaches made their fortunes designing laughable abstinence-education courses and unloading them on the clueless public schools.

The big one in D.C. —

• In the gaudiest ceremony since Dog Chapman’s wedding, President Bush will have himself officially proclaimed Decider. The “Let’s get ready to rumble” guy will be brought in to do the proclaiming. The Supreme Court will be on hand to woof. Borat will have a hand in the thing, somehow or other. Senate confirmation will be deemed unnecessary.

This will happen when the job-approval percentage sinks past zero, meaning wife and dog finally bailed too. I’m guessing around the ides of March.

The announcement will occasion more pity than outrage, as the later Caligula’s did, and for similar reasons. In fact, it won’t even be the lead story on the nightly TV news programs. Reliable outlets like the A D-G will neglect to mention it altogether.

The dog will be waterboarded subsequently at Gitmo for the inconstancy, along with the traitorous Baker-Hamilton bunch, and thou and ol’ moi, among others. Including the Dixie Chicks (see below).

Other Casa Blanco developments —

• Decider will decide to award the Dixie Chicks a Medal of Freedom if they’ll take back what they said, but they’ll decline and he’ll decide to give it to whichever one of the Simpson girls will take it. If neither of them will, and then Scooter Libby won’t, he’ll put it uninscribed on eBay.

• He’ll require that his daily news briefings be read to him in the voices of his favorite cartoon characters.

• Because Mom and Pop just won’t give it a rest about how it should have been Jeb, Jeb gets to eat the midnight pillow.

• Nobody will mention “sitting ducks” or Roy Orbison’s “Running Scared” when the “new strategy” in Iraq is unveiled.

• Whatever your bid, it’ll probably get you that medal.

And so forth —

• The next time Britney Spears flashes crotch, a paparazzi blowup will detect a tiny sign in there that reads: “Hidey hidey hidey hee.”

• The Vice Presidential Cheneys will think of themselves as grandparents with the birth of you-know-who’s you-know-what, but will refrain from calling themselves that out of fear of offending the base. Later on, they’ll refuse to allow the little bastard to call them Papaw and Meemaw, and will insist on more politically acceptable pet names such as Deadeye and Hateful.

• Sen. Barack Hussein Obama, having been persuaded that the middle name might hurt his presidential chances, will sponsor a contest to select a new one, and the winner won’t be “Kingfish.”

• Tom DeLay will find work at a dunking booth at the Texas State Fair. The line to buy three balls will stretch miles.

• Summer will see the first of what will become a rash of public stonings of no-talent girl singers by a fed-up populace.

• During the solar eclipse in March, Bro. Pat Robertson will tell 700 Club members that he’ll make it go away if they’ll send him as much money as Alex Rodriguez makes for playing ball. And they will. (They fall for such crap every time.)

• Elton John will offer “The Bitch Is Back” as a presidential-campaign theme song, but a leading New York contender will tell him to bugger off.

• Trying to do “Jingle Bells” with controlled burps, Rush Limbaugh will puke on EIB instead and afterward check back into rehab.

• “South Park” will propose another rassling match between Jesus and Satan to decide for the feuding Graham family where the Rev. and Mrs. Billy will be buried.

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