Columns » Bob Lancaster

Surgery

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This is Surge Week, and suspecting that you just can't get enough of the expert commentary, I've rounded up a few surge quotations that you might have missed.

“I call the troops involved in the surge ‘surgeons.' I thought that up myself. Heck, I thought up the war myself. One of the girls said we should call them ‘surge protectors,' but I don't get it.” — President Bush.

“You know where I got the idea for a surge? From Sergio Mendez and Brazil '66. I just like the sound of it: Surge!, like Charge! When I say it or one of the joint chiefs says it, I've got a little toy sword that I brandish like Teddy Roosevelt: ‘Surge!' I have to be careful with that thing, though. It's only a toy but you never know.” — Ibid.

“As dean of the MSM buttlicks, let me say that with this surge, once more you've shown up all these doubters and defeatists. Mission accomplished — again!” — David Broder.

“Who died and made you dean? Let's compare noses. Why, yours is hardly even tan.” — Fred Barnes.

“Can a body ever hope to work his way to the front of this line?” — Fred Hiatt.

“The surge is working much better than the previous policy, which was the same thing only different. More casualties and no progress, but hey, we haven't lost a single politician who jetted over to photo-op and eat some ribs with us and brag on what a good job we're doing. With another six months and $200 bil, we'll maybe definitely get the thing pointed in the right direction.” — Gen. Casey, or one of the others.

“Even a stupid dog like me can appreciate what a great surge this has been. I think if cats could be honest, even they would have to agree. Except maybe that sarcastic ghost cat that writes the newspaper column.” — Barney.

“This surge m'f'ing s—t is even better than killing dogs.” — Michael Vick.

“The surge has worked so well that it allowed me to go over there and walk around Baghdad as safe and sound as if I were walking around unlighted areas of the River Market in Little Rock late at night.” — Sen. Blanche Lincoln.

“Me, too. Hell, I had my own battalion!” — Sen. John McCain.

“Me, too. Wasn't it exciting? The choppers, the market, the adulation, lobbing softballs. Wow!” — Katie Couric.

“I'd be happier with it if we surged on over into Iran and let those monkeys snack on some nukes.” — Vice President Cheney.

“I absolutely love the surge. Makes me want to get down on all fours and call for Philip Morris!” — Sen. Joseph Lieberman.

“Sure it worked. No secret why. They're all faggots. I still think we should forcibly Christianize them all. And then poison their camel's milk. Even the little ones because nits make lice.” — Ann Coulter.

“OK, OK, I'm on board with the surge already. Now look at these pearlies. Look at this puss. Get a load of this profile.” — Mitt Romney.

“And Pakistan. How'd they get off so easy?” —Vice President Cheney again.

“Surge? Yeah, great. Now hand over two reds and a greenie and make yourself scarce.” — Rush Limbaugh.

“As Thucydides said of the Dorians the fourth time they invaded Attica, a good surge is just what the doctor ordered. Now let's get on with it, Mr. President, and ... wait... Shepard, cripes, would you just cut it out? That is so crude! Jeez!” — George Will.

“Let's quote Orwell on this surge. Let's quote Flannery O'Connor. Let's quote Walker Percy. Let's draft another war prayer. Let's call overs one more time on Vietnam. Let's go invade somewhere else. Let's give our boy a big ol' cooseecoo.” — Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

“What I want to know, as I told those killers, is what's in it for me?” — M. Huckabee.

“It's soooo sexy. It's the best style of [sexual intercourse] I've experienced, just in a manner of speaking of course, since I found Jesus in the Big House and devoted my life to becoming an awesome role model.” — Paris Hilton on the surge.

“God told me to send along his personal compliments [on the surge].” — Bro. Pat Robertson, for the president's eyes only.

“You could try biting their ears.” — Mike Tyson.

“As Daddy said to Momma when she burnt the biscuits, ‘Well done!'” — Dolly Parton, perhaps a compliment to the president concerning the surge, perhaps not. Perhaps just a line from one of her songs.

“I might have done better, yes. But it's hell getting anything accomplished when you've got a name with three consecutive vowels in it.” — Gen. Patraeus.

“As a shrink, I refer my really sicko surge-denying patients directly to the looney bin for shock therapy, etc., or on to Guantanamo for corrective intervention by the compassionate authorities there. Good-looking, too!” — Charles Krauthamer.

“Whatever.” — Sens. Clinton and Obama.

(Notice: This column may contain misattributed and/or inauthentic quotations, but any misrepresentation might have been unintentional and certainly wasn't malicious or coated with leaded Chinese paint. So you could cut me some slack, unless you're an old sorehead, in which case Cheney-to-Leahy go thou and do likewise.)

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