Columns » Bob Lancaster




It was good to see one of the presidential candidates — the one named Stephen Colbert — disclosing last week that Daylight Saving Time is traceable to an old Socialist plot to take over the world.

I've always thought there was something fishy about this government-mandated monkeying around with our clocks, and it's no surprise to learn that the Socialists are at the bottom of it.  

They're at the bottom of just about everything nefarious these days — or everything nefarious that's non-Islamic. They have a foot in all our doors, a finger in all our pies. Most of our institutions are fronts for them, or are manipulated by them. They don't deny any of this, don't try to hide it, don't try to hide their program or their influence, yet somehow they remain an elusive, sinister bunch, like the old Bavarian Illuminati or the Rosicrucians or the Sons of the Pioneers. Or like the modern-day virus-like Murdoch menace, which, though very visible is somehow spookily opaque.

You know the Socialists are up to no good, but you're never sure exactly what the no good is that they're up to. Their scheme is just too complicated and multi-faceted for small minds like mine to follow.  I could ask Newt Gingrich, but don't think I will. I could dig out some of the old Glenn Beck tapes where he traced the Socialist machinations by way of crazy showers of blackboard arrows — but no. I do sense, though, that an awful lot of innocent-seeming contemporary mischief is the result of old Socialists pulling some even older strings.

Another favorite example of Socialism-in-action is fluoridation. Socialism slew Mr. Tooth Decay as stealthily and ignominiously as Stalin did Leon Trotsky, but while a few lonely conservatives tried for decades to sound the alarm that entire generations were in danger of being deprived of the age-old pleasure of having all their teeth rot and fall out, the Socialists allied with the big-name toothpaste-makers and the Council of Dental Therapeutics of the American Dental Association and furtively went about duping small towns, large towns, and ignorant water-conservation districts into poisoning the precious fluids they were supposed to be safeguarding.

Another Socialist yore monster was unbound with the enactment of Obamacare. As you know, a key feature of O-Care is the creation of the death panels that are even now busy deciding whether it's your granny with Alzheimer's or my granny with dementia — or both of them — due to be recycled as soylent green. The Socialists thrashed the death-panel opponents so soundly on this issue that death panels were ridiculed from the discourse. Sarah Palin just sort of slank back into the scrimshaw, and all you've got left in the way of opposition are these goofy Republican presidential aspirants and archeological traces of a hustings dipwad eruption known mysteriously as Tee Parity or some toilet paper or Indian tipi variant.

So the Socialists have you in their clutches in your superannuation, but their real ambition is to control you all the way back, through your dronage and youth and infancy, to your debut as a rascal twink in a sanctimonious progenitor's eye. Understand that, and you'll not be astonished that it was Socialists who developed modern effective contraceptives, and Socialist stooges who steered them to FDA approval, and Socialist lackeys who summoned up incubi and succubi like C. Everett Koop and Joycelyn Elders to whoop them into promiscuous usage.

Rick Santorum and the bishops are just now coming to realize what a catastrophe easily accessible birth control has been to traditional American values, 50 years too late.

So they've got their hooks in you from pre-cradle to grave.

And that's not all they've got into you.

I've been reading about this pink slime, for instance. Wondering how in God's name a product so gross and horrible could've become a staple in the generality's daily diet without a hurricane of protest and an ocean of upchuck resulting? Answer: The Socialists did it. In their usual insidious manner. Stuff like that, they just know how to git-r-done.

They got pink slime in your burgers and corn in your gasoline. They got rid of good-tasting tomatoes and replaced them with tomatoes only good for throwing. They got soybeans put in place of anything and everything that used to taste good.

They'll get socialized medicine fully socialized here sooner or later, just hide and watch. They'll resurrect the social gospel, focused on making this world better than on getting to the next one unscorched. I don't know if they're associated with social diseases, or the social insects, or social science, or social networking, or social security, or social work, or the Quakers — but I wouldn't bet ag'in 'em.  Whatever it is, you can blame it on the Socialists and not be far wrong.

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