Columns » Bob Lancaster

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In recognition that our attention span grows ever shorter ...

... They'll let you stand outside the Super Bowl and not see the game for $200. Shoot, I'll let you stand out here in my yard and not watch it for half that. And I'll throw in free parking; save you another $150.

... I don't think God will give up on the world as long as there are cranes living in it.

... Does it mean anything that Black History Month is also the shortest month?

... How come all the contemporary snowmen are fatties? Why not, just occasionally, one that's ripped?

... I used to be a Sagittarius but now my astrological sign is some snake-rassler whose name I can't even pronounce. Who decides matters like this? Is it the new Congress with all these Tea Party crazies? Is Ophiuchus a character out of "The Fountainhead," or the name of William F. Buckley Jr.'s yacht, or Nancy Reagan's horoscope caster? I ought to get a vote on this, don't you think?  

... We're apparently going to be on yellow alert from now on. I guess that amounts to a recommendation against restocking my Homeland Security bunker. Anybody need 1,052 cans of chicken-noodle soup that are only five years past the expiration?

... Worst thing about aging might be the relentless gnarliness of it.

... Remember when your first thought when somebody mentioned a baseball player wasn't how much money he made? Or second thought how much he charges for an autograph?

... Bats out of hell don't have nothing on our legislators.

... February honorees, from the sublime to the ridiculous, Abraham Lincoln to the groundhog.

... St. Valentine and St. Hallmark were domestic partners in a committed relationship, or that's the contemporary narrative, gaining acceptance, and every bit as authentic as the romantic legends told of early Christian Charlie Browns and ancient Roman little red-haired girls. Mountain Home grocery clerk had no call figleafing the tab cover of happy pair and their adopted boy Cupid. Youngster was nekkid, yes, but c'mon.  

... There's legislation to change us from The Natural State back to The Land of Opportunity and the state bird from the mocker to the fulvous whistling tree duck. Tough votes like this is why they get those $50,000-a-year expense accounts.

... There was a time when women invariably elevated the political discourse when they were permitted into it; so where did all these bubblehead harpies come from?

... Our historians have sunk from common plagiarism to actually altering the documents. Don't be fooled. If the John Hancock on your parchment sez "Jon Handcock," and has Wite-Out under it, it's probably not legit.

... All these pricks pontificating on how to fix the economy: I guarantee you they don't know a bit more about it than my cat or your dog. And the smugger the wronger.

... I remember when lignite was going to be the economic salvation of south Arkansas. That was when there was still a debate whether it was low-grade coal or high-grade dirt. Resolved eventually in favor of the latter.

... Gross National Product is not a term referencing Duggars. Not usually.

... The U.S. still owns a number of uninhabited islands off South America that we claimed in 1856 in hopes of mining the vast accumulations there of bird guano. Sacking it up as agricultural fertilizer. Wars were fought over this stuff. A true fact. In recent times, bull guano has become a larger consideration.

... From the usage annals: Back in the old days, I felt grody much of the time, and used that word to describe the condition. What grody means, as I recall, is how Glen Campbell and Mel Gibson obviously felt when their famous DUI mug shots were taken. Google them and you'll see. Pain is associated with it, and self-loathing, and a certain reek, and an aspect of homelessness that sleeps in a cardboard box or is headed in that direction.  I still feel grody, not as often, but often, but the word no longer has currency, and I've encountered no good substitute. Fungal, maybe. Zombic.

... One thing I wouldn't have guessed: It can happen here. No matter what it is.

... Righteously swole-up conservatives claghorning the cause of Juan Williams remind me of when they did it for an old White House travel office goomer named Billy Dale. Clowns.

... How far down on the Game and Fish Commission's list of priorities do you think these two items are? – 1. Game. 2. Fish.

... How many baby girls have to die so you're right to pack won't be infringed?

... It's just about always a good idea to avoid the magenta.

... Which do you think is more responsible for the greenhouse gases that are bringing about the climate change, bovine flatulence or talk radio? Oh, yeah, well, never mind.

... There was an Arkansas governor once who had this platform: "I believe in paying your honest debts and saving your seed potatoes." But he died, like everybody else back then.  

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