Columns » Bob Lancaster

Not enough czars



There's been lots of whining from the usual suspects that the president is appointing too many czars.

My opinion is that he's not appointing enough.

There are any number of sloppy, undisciplined policy areas that need a czar's firm guiding hand.

We could use a tomato czar, for example. Remember when tomatoes were so good that you could hardly wait for June? What happened to that?

The answer is, we didn't have anybody tomato-savvy and tomato-appreciative running the tomato-growing business, so marketers moved into the leadership void. They didn't care about tomato succulence. They cared about shelf life. They cared about making tomatoes tough enough to survive long-distance shipping.

And so tender, tasty, short-lived tomatoes were soon a receding memory.

For want of a czar.

Probably at the top of the czar priority list, we need a Dog Peter Gnat Czar. C'mon, this is the 21st century, we need to get rid of those things. Also seed ticks and cuckleburrs. Annoying throwbacks to the old non-artificial world that had so much of disgusting nature in it.  

We could also use a Health-Care Equalization czar, who'd see that we all get the same health-insurance package deal that members of Congress get, no more no less, at their same cost. If that's “socialist” for us, why is it not  “socialist” for them? (Something the Just Asking Czar might ask.)

And an O The Irony Czar with contenders for the post including Strom Thurmond's black daughter, Dick Cheney's gay daughter, Pastor Ted Haggard's rubber boyfriend, and Sen. Al “I Hate You, Daddy” Franken.

Some other czars deserving appointment:

• A Shooting Iron Czar to confiscate all handguns and beat them into ploughshares, which would then be given to Heifer International.

• A Get Serious Czar to demand of lawmakers that they act their age and not their shoe size.

• A Flab Czar — I'd nominate Mr. Mandelbaum  (aka Lloyd Bridges) if he were still around — to exorcise some of our vast stores of ab and glute lard.

• An MYOB Czar to prohibit the government from meddling in areas where it has no business — for instance, abortion, pulling plugs on the likes of Terry Schiavo, BCS college football rankings, crowd size estimating, public school sex ed, etc.

• A Tech Support Czar — someone you could call if they've had you on hold for more than four hours, say; someone who might not be able to help with your technical problem, but who'd sympathize and thumb-twiddle with you while you waited.

• A Noogies Czar to see that every Century 21 notable who deserves to be briskly noogied gets briskly noogied. On live TV. Who'd you pick to be noogied first? I'd probably go with Dick Morris, Jennifer Hansen, or the redheaded guy on CSI Miami. Or, after that last telethon, Jerry Lewis.

• A Pump Price Czar.

• A Prayer Czar to tap into the vertical pipeline and cull prayers that are insincere or selfish or that attempt to haggle with the Creator. Most of them, in other words.

• A Take Back Our Country Czar, who would have to be an American Indian.

• A Rassling Czar who'll not be afraid to overturn match decisions in which there was cheating, referee incompetence, or whamming an opponent over the head with a ringside folding table.

• A Hurricane Relief Czar who was not a crony and had some sense.

• A Scary Jerry Czar to dissuade pro football franchise owners from having facelifts that make them look like Muammar al-Gaddafi.

• A Discourse Elevation Czar to go around whapping rude and crude imbeciles with a rubber chicken. You know the imbeciles I'm talking about. One of them used to be your governor.

(A companion czar to this one might be a Sit Down and Shut Up Czar, after the “South Park” school bus driver, or STFU Czar. This would undoubtedly be the busiest of the new crop of czars, and the most socially valuable.) 

(The entire population of Cabot, AR, would qualify to be whapped with the chicken, incidentally.)

• A Broken Windshield Czar to chase down offending rock trucks and get each new victim an on-the-spot settlement.

• A Regifting Czar.

• A Snark Czar.

• A Rehab Czar to work with alkies, junkies, various quadrants of Rush Limbaugh, and lip-balm addicts. 

• A Secession Czar in charge of encouraging and facilitating the Texas Independence Movement, helping it along in every possible way.

• A Lottery Czar, mainly to provide cushy jobs to South Carolina layabouts.

• A Season's Greetings czar to beleaguer insensitive retailers who cleave to holiday motifs that favor one religion over the others.

And a Sidekick Czar with ukase powers to require that they speak only authentic frontier gibberish.





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