It's the start of a whole new year, and that means resolutions. Resolutions to eat better and drink less, resolutions to exercise more and watch less TV, to finish the novel and start that deck out back. Around .000091 percent of resolutions are kept, of course, so yours probably have a fudgesicle's chance in Hell of actually making a dent in your bad habits, but we can dream. Here, just because we can, are a few resolutions we'd like folks to stick with.
God: "Get the Heavenly Hotline fixed so I can call Jason Rapert and tell him what a dick he's being."
Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway): "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, and if someone else can't say anything nice, don't get on social media and talk about how much I wanted to plug 'em in the Lowe's parking lot."
Gov. Asa Hutchinson: "Win favor with the emotionally vulnerable-recent-divorcee demographic by installing a horn that plays Adele's 'Hello' on the gubernatorial Suburban."
The Fouke Monster: "Steal a convertible and a pair of sunglasses, then cruise past the 'Squatch Hunter convention in Paragould this July reaaal slow."
Arkansas Times Editor Lindsey Millar: "Gas up the corporate jet. Also: Buy a corporate jet."
Razorbacks Coach Bret Bielema: "Find and kill whoever crazy-glued these flip-flops to my feet."
Random, newly insured low-income Arkansan: "Finally get my rickets, polio and smallpox looked at by an actual doctor, because not dying is f***ing great!"
Josh Duggar: "Find a dark hole and crawl in it. Not the hole you're thinking of."