Columns » Bob Lancaster

Name ‘That Jew’

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OK, here's Part 2 of the newsmaker ID pop quiz to see how well you're keeping up. Multiple choice. Grade yourself, using the honor system. Remember, results go on your permanent record. Bell rings before you finish, it's what they call tough titty. 

Doyle Webb

a.        Peckerwood state GOP leader who thinks the party's future might lie in demonizing lesbians.

b.       Editor and publisher of the Grovers Corners Sentinel.

c.        Nicknamed “Spud,” the 5-foot-7 perennial pro basketball all-star and slam-dunk champion

d.       Country-music star with the Nudie suits and silver-dollar-covered convertible, sang “In the Jailhouse Now” and “Why. Baby, Why?”

Ida Darwinius Masillae

a.        One of the four stars — the pretty one — of oldtime TV's “Four-Star Playhouse.”

b.       Fossil named for paleontologist's daughter that scientists say may provide evolutionary “missing link.”

c.        State motto of Idaho, loosely translated as “We don't need no stinking theory of evolution here.”

d.       Latin for “Beware the ides of March,” soothsayer's warning to Julius Caesar.

“Man-cow”

a.        On-air name of conservative radio host who was waterboarded recently and conceded after six seconds that the practice is indeed torture.

b.       His staff's secret pet nickname for Rush Limbaugh, presumably because of his physique.

c.        What they call bulls in San Francisco.

d.       Pretty good cartoon movie that centers around farm animals at a big barn dance.

Carrie Prejean

a.        Miss California who recently became top homo-riler of 2009.

b.       Getting her period somehow gave her the power to start fires and collapse buildings just by thinking about it.

c.        Temperance crusader who used to chop up saloons with a hatchet.

d.       Princess Leia.

Tim Griffin

a.        TV's porcine “Family Guy” who's at his best when fighting the big chicken.

b.       Arkie editor who obviously has a sublimated love affair going with the memory of David O. Dodd, the Boy Martyr of the Confederacy.

c.        Key weasel in Justice Department scandal over political firing of U.S. attorneys, rumored as GOP  U.S. senate candidate next year.

d.       Casino mogul, former TV talk-show host, in his youth romantically linked with Bishop Fulton J. Sheen.

Maureen Dowd

a.        Most recent staff plagiarist that the New York Times has had to make  lame excuses for.

b.       Human BFF and confidant of big invisible rabbit named Harvey.

c.        Ike's missus before they were wed.

d.       Howdy Doody's girlfriend  (not the cause of his permanent woody, though.)

A. J. Burnett

a.        Arkie-born pitching star with New York Yankees this season.

b.        Gene Autry sidekick, nicknamed Smiley.

c.        TV comedian Carol's cleaning-woman alter ego.

d.       One of two Razorback running-backs named Burnett during the glory years.

“Pussy Galore”

a.        How the got-nothing Republican National Committee started referring to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi last week.

b.       How the family-planning wags have been referring to Michelle Duggar for some years now.

c.        Name of Pepe Le Pew's favorite feline companion.

d.       Name of the character in Broadway musical “Cats” who sings the song that everyone remembers.

Ray Thornton

a.        Arkie-born actor whose famous phobias include a morbid fear of Benjamin Disraeli.

b.       Cotton Belt muck-a-muck for whom the town of Thornton (near Fordyce) is named.

c.        Judge, UA president, ex-congressman, and famous nickel-squeezer now impatient to get the lottery show on the road.

d.       First singer to record “Hound Dog,” same dog that pooped on Elvis' blue-suede shoes.

Kris Allen

a.        Indiana Jones squeeze in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

b.       First Arkie to reign as “American Idol.” 

c.      Woody's son who used to be named Sachel.

d.       The former tennis star before she married golfer Greg Norman.

“That Jew” 

a.        How state Sen. Kim Hendren of Gravette, another GOP U.S. senate hopeful, referred last week to Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY.)

b.       How Frank Sinatra used to refer to Sammy Davis Jr.

c.       How Nixon usually referred to Henry Kissinger.

d.       How Billy Bob Thornton usually refers to Benjamin Disraeli.

 

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