As we write this, the Little Rock City Board is readying an ordinance to make it exponentially harder for charities to feed poor and homeless people in city parks. The proposed ordinance would require a permit for those who want to feed more than 25 people in a public park, demand a cash deposit be made to the city before doling out loaves and fishes, and institute other requirements meant to discourage filling hungry bellies. The city has already spent months scouring the thickets and thorny brambles around town in order to serve eviction notices on the hidden camps of homeless people who are bothering absolutely nobody other than those who might be bothered by the idea of a destitute person drawing breath in a makeshift shelter. We're expecting the city next to make a run at mandatory indentured servitude for the homeless, or maybe an ordinance that allows city employees to stalk, net and mulch the poor so their remains can be spread on flower beds in the Heights. That'll show 'em.
In other news: Three asshats are still on the loose after an April 30 romp in which they busted into the fenced and gated Devil's Hole, a spring-fed pool in Death Valley National Park, and proceeded to skinny dip in the last-known habitat of the last 115 Devil's Hole Pupfish — tiny, critically endangered creatures that have lived there for tens of thousands of years. They managed to kill one of the fish before leaving behind what investigators say were beer cans, spent shell casings, a pair of boxer shorts and a sizable amount of vomit in the water. For chrissakes, these FISH that live in the middle of the gatdamn DESERT. Don't you think their lives are hard enough without somebody throwing a kegger in their living room? A $15,000 reward is being offered for the trio of idiots, who were caught on camera.
Next up: As The Observer writes this, we are almost exactly 8 whole percent through the presidency of Donald J. Trump, and that's if the American people aren't dumb enough to re-elect this flaming dumpster full of rotting mangos. Eight percent! We've got, like, 30,000 unhinged tweets and at least a hundred more Comey-firing-level scandals to go! Sure, with Dorito Mussolini's support at 39 percent — and only a few more Russkie-related FUBARs away from falling so low that it forms a dim, incredibly dense singularity that spawns a black hole — you might ask yourself: How could Trump NOT lose in 2020? But if you're saying that, you're drastically overestimating the rationality of the American people when herded into large groups, and you're titanically underestimating the ability of the Democratic Party to pound the square peg of defeat firmly into the Holland Tunnel-sized round hole of a Sure Fire Thing. The Observer lived through the narrow defeats of Gore, Kerry and now Hillary by vastly inferior opponents; so, friends and neighbors, we can say without reservation: If anybody can lose to Donald "I Get Bigly Great Intel, Comrades!" Trump, it's [insert name of whatever Democrat runs for president in 2020].
And finally, from the world of high fashion: Someone has started a Kickstarter fundraising campaign for the RompHim, which is a stylish romper for dudes. You know, for when you look at your man and think: I sure wish there was some way to upsize this snap-crotch onesie I bought for my 4-month-old and stretch it over the stringy body of a hipster. Promotional photos for the RompHim show coiffed young men in sunglasses laughing up a storm while partying in their shirtshorts, but The Observer is not swayed by slick marketing campaigns. While our desire to be one of the Cool Kids is vast, we're firm on the fact that the only way you're going to get us into a RompHim is if we're issued one at gunpoint after delousing in the gulag. (At this rate, we're genuinely worried it might come to that.)