Another q-and-a with the moonbat guru Assmunch. Remember, bizarre opinions expressed here are his responsibility and don't necessarily reflect the views of the Arkansas Times (which doesn't have much room to talk, inasmuch as its publisher likes to garden naked in the moonlight) or any of the subsidiaries, spin-offs, or satellite operations in the far-flung Arkansas Times media empire.
Q. What's all this yap about transparency in government? Why do we need see-through officials?
A. I agree. I think what we need is more translucency in government. Like the glass in the top half of the restroom doors in most older public buildings.
Q. I saw in Billy Graham's column last week that Satan is still traipsing to and fro over the earth, trying to ruin people's lives, and I heard from porcine Bro. Hagee that even as we speak the Antichrist is powering up. Aren't the Devil and the Antichrist one and the same?
A. No. For one thing, Satan is red. And has a tail. He's also the one — according to South Park — who has Saddam Hussein as his butt boy, an arrangement that somehow existed even before Saddam died. The Antichrist is a mere mortal; Chuck Norris could take his punkass easy, so what's to fear from him?
Q. There's been a revival of bagger concern about the death panels. Do I remember right that Obama appointed you to the first death panel, and if so, what kind of mischief are y'all up to now?
A. Yes, I was named to the first death panel, and was duly seated after an interim appointment. So far we've decided a boocoo of cases — all but one of them in favor of allowing the patient to live and to continue treatment by a doctor of his or her own choosing. The only one we decided to go ahead and let die was Mel Gibson.
Q. Whatever happened to the Homeland Security bunker from which you sent the thrilling dispatches when the terrists were massing on the border?
A. Aw, the velociraptors got into it and drank all the Pet milk — jagged talon holes punched into every single can — and then made off with all the Twinkies and deer jerky. Bastards. I managed to snare one of them and will exhibit him at the county fair here in September, then butcher and market the meat as emu. I'm thinking about sectioning off the bunker ruin, making it into cell-size units and renting them out to monks or parolees. Or putting up accoutrements and turning it into a spartan bed-and-breakfast.
Q. I'm enclosing a photo of what my wife and I think might be a rare bird that we spotted recently near DeWitt. Can you identify it?
A. I think it's a hand puppet. And you're trying to put one over on Ol' Moi. Definitely not an ivorybill. Or a roc.
Q. Why should the state government be furnishing anybody with a car? I mean, besides law enforcement.
A. Good question. I suspect the lieutenant governor would lieutenant govern just as well if he were obliged to take the bus. The attorney general could bum lifts from underlings. I mean, what can they say if the boss asks them to drop by on the way to work and pick him up — no? The land commissioner could commission just as much land while paying off a car note like everybody else. I'd take this to a higher level, too. Pay for your own congressional junket or "surprise visit" to the troops overseas. Give out only peanuts on AF-1.
Q. I got the feeling last week that I was the only person in America who didn't give a damn which team LeBron James decided to play for. Was I?
A. There were at least two of us. Last NBA game I caught more than two minutes of, Dennis Rodman showed up in a wedding dress. Possibly the best rebounder who ever did that.
Q. I'm starting an Amscray fund to pay our foremost creeps and weasels to just go away somewhere. If they're ever heard from again, they have to give the money back. Dick Cheney's got the most votes so far. Would you like to contribute?
A. Soitainly. And my first nomination is a lizard trio that crawled up out of the 20th century to defile this one: Newt Gingrich, Bill Bennett, Dick Morris. In no particular order. After that, the Mama Grizzlies. Sows, I guess they're properly called.
Q. What are these moonbats I keep hearing about? I'm told that they're the opposite of wingnuts, but I don't know who or what wingnuts are either.
A. I think Moon Maid, the horned princess who married Dick Tracy Jr., was a moonbat. There's also a Moonbat line of Japanese clothing, and many of today's Major Leaguers use the Moonbat brand of baseball bat, though Wally Moon never did. Sun Myong Moon wasn't a moonbat. Nor our publisher out there dodging the okra fuzz.
Q. How do you feel about an open season on these hoodlum deers invading and terrorizing our small towns and suburbs?
A. I'm for it, as long as we all agree to donate the taxidermied deer heads as wall and ceiling decor for struggling Arkansas buffet restaurants.