Columns » Bob Lancaster

Kvetch of the day



So let me get this straight. Voters having sent the clear message, you thought this Congress might actually do something? You crack me up, you know that?

Instead of denying child custody to deserving gay people, why doesn't the Family Council take the lead against bona fide child abuse — say, by proposing to deny custody to parents of either sex pref who, after all that's happened this year, would gift a child in their keep with a toy made in China?

Don't be so upset over Kentucky and Alabama. All those laughing people in the other commonwealths aren't laughing at you personally. They don't know you from Adam — or from Eve, if that's your persuasion. You're not the problem. Unless, of course, you're one of those celling Coach at crucial times during the game, distracting him from ... whatever it is that they pay him all those millions to do that obviously isn't getting done.

Repeat after me, next fumble or blown coverage: Ser-en-i-ty now.

The other day was the equinox, which refers to the point in the TV season when all the programs are equally obnoxious.

Except for “The War,” a nice reminder of the long ago time when our people had grit.

More acorns this time but fewer gumballs. Not thrilled with the tradeoff, but it's one I can live with.

Confidential to Osama: You'd do better to just STFU.

That's with the “s” and not the “b,” now.

Although ... .

Never assume either competence or good faith on the part of the other side. But of the two, there's more likely to be good faith.

Headline says, “Utah Officials Alarmed Over Invasion of Bullfrogs.” Article doesn't say so, but the plan is probably, if the bullfrogs get as far as Cedar City, those officials dress up as Paiutes and massacre the sons-a-bitches, though sparing the tadpoles.

Only good thing I've heard about Fred Thompson: If James Dobson doesn't like you, you must be doing something right. Dead Fred's disqualification here seems to involve a perceived spittle deficiency in his froth ring.

The pure essence of Christianity is selflessness. Think on that, then consider Bro. Huckabee, surely the most self-absorbed American public man since “Song of Myself” first saw print, as a contemporary exemplar.

Not that himself is any worse than the rest of that sad field. He's just a schmuck, and the others haven't yet risen that high. The choice for the remnant party conscientious seems to have come down to either the Barnyard Quipster or abject despair.

Headline says, “Frequent Cell Phone Use May Slow Brain Function.” A couple of observations: (1) Is there anybody who didn't know that already? (2) Why that word “may”?

Headline says, “ ‘God' Apparently Responds to Lawsuit.” Choral response: Most likely via billboard.

Case studies of too much information:

(1) Did we really need to know that men who use public restrooms in the United States wash their hands afterward 21 per cent less than they used to? How about if we just leave that space blank? Or insert there a Will Rogers quote or Ogden Nash shortie? Or the latest groaner from F'wad?

(2) Do we really need to know the exact length and circumference of each and every one of Britney Spears' toes? And just how might one put that data to good use? Or should I be relieved that it was just her toes?

(3) Do you know, every time you turn over at night, how many gigs of dust mites swarm up out of your pillow to catch the airstream ride into your throat and goozle? Do you want to know? I didn't want to know, but some idler wire-service science writer thought it would be clever to surprise me with the answer in a catchy news-article lead paragraph. Damn him. And his ilk. And the horses they rode in on. The Family Council should award him custody of this nightmare of the thundering herd going right down the old windpipe.

Headline says, “Astronomers Use Light Patterns to Detect Hidden Galaxies.” Oh, great. Just what we need. More galaxies.

I'm pretty sure it won't be Guiliani. Or Giuliani. Who's going to vote for somebody that they have no clue how to spell the sock-kucker's name? If he'd change the spelling to match the pronunciation and make it Julie Onny, voters might be able to look at a ballot and put two and two together.

But then they might think that if they're going to vote for a woman anyway it might as well be Hillary.

Julie's also going to have to bump off or enroll in Witness Protection a lot of blood relatives who hate his ass, old mistresses, old live-in boyfriends, cronies, etc. But he seems to have dough to cover it.

If I can lure his attention away from that lawsuit for a minute, I'd like to file an amicus curiae in another case. To wit, I can forgive a multitude of Creation mistakes, but not silverfish. There's just no excuse for silverfish. Even if they frightened off wasps.

That last topic arose as I just stepped on one of the whoremongers coming up out of a vent. I beg your pardon while I go get a Bounty to clean it up.

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