Columns » Bob Lancaster

Just thinking

by and


I think one of these super-viruses will be the death of all of us someday soon, or nearly all of us, but of the dozen or so survivors worldwide one will claim that it was all foretold in the Book of Daniel, and that it is God's will, and then he will host a telethon.

I think the cowbird should be voted the Official Bird of Congress. This would give some appropriate avian government-branch symmetry to the starling that is prominent on the Bush family crest. The starling's scientific name, incidentally, is Sternus vulgaris, which is Latin for nasty ass.

I think we should not kill all the lawyers first, as Dick Butcher proposed, or even second, or in the Top 10. First should be the pious frauds, second the dittoheads, third the pop singers, fourth the slime weasels, and fifth whoever thought up putting those little stickers on supermarket apples. St. Paul wanted to put whoremongers high on the list, which I never quite understood.

I think we should disqualify anybody from seeking the presidency who would like to be president, or who would accept the job even if it were thrust upon him or her. It ought to be inflicted on someone as a unique and dreadful punishment, as the Athenians selected their generals. Otherwise, it's going to be one empty-headed egomaniac after another.

I think Edgar Buchanan was our worst president, but he was certainly the best thing “Petticoat Junction” had going.

I think the Supreme Court might outlaw one kind of gun, and one only, in its upcoming Second Amendment ruling, and that would be the one that, when you pull the trigger, a little flag pops out with “Bang!” written on it.

I think Monroe Schwarzlose had the right take on it when he said, as another of his hapless gubernatorial campaigns neared election day with the polls showing his support holding steady at 0 per cent, “Well, that's good news, because the big danger is, you never want your campaign to peak too early.”

I think Sen. Altes' e-mail was indeed racist — the one in which he said “we are being overrun [by illegal immigrants] but we are being out-populated by the blacks also” — and I think what betrays the racism in it, and the anti-everything-that-America-stands-for, is that little word “we.”

I think it would make more sense to pull our forces out of Iraq, where they're not wanted or appreciated and have no purpose, and send them to liberate Saudi Arabia, which gave us most of the 9/11 terrorists, punishes the victims of rape rather than the perpetrators, and has enough oil to last us a hundred years.

I think in the end both parties will be secretly embarrassed and ashamed that, with millions of qualified people to choose from, this dork show was all they could come up with.

I think anybody who aspires to write anything that somebody else might be obliged to peruse ought to be required to read, re-read, and perhaps memorize these essays: “Politics and the English Language” by George Orwell, and “Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses” by Mark Twain. Real good tips in both of them.

I think the title “No Country for Old Men” would be apt no matter which country you meant.

I think some good scotch whiskey would make a better Christmas present than wassail, or mead, or egg nog, or a six-pack of Abita Turbodog or Purple Haze. But a case of Turbodog, I'm not so sure.

I think also I'll be able to get through Christmas just fine without either of these stocking-stuffers: the Talking Senator Larry Craig Action Figure, the Mother Teresa Breath Spray.

I think $3 gasoline is an outrage, but I suspect the only answer will be to confiscate all the cars. Melt them down and inject them back into the earth as metal, sand, and petroleum. The rubber, I don't know. This would apply to Japanese, German, Korean, and Scandanavian cars, too, and all the others, including the old ones without mufflers owned by Iraqis, Mexicans, Brazilians, cartoon ducks, and Filipinos. Wrecked cars, including those that hit deer. And woodies.

I think Bro. Huckabee may have a point in his rejection of Darwinian theory. More than 200 years ago Tom Paine and Edmund Burke were arguing political theory as vigorously as were Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton; while this very year the Arkansas legislature hooted down a proposed tribute to Paine on the ground that he was too stubbornly impious to allow some gap-toothed preacher to do his thinking for him. Hard to see a whole hell of a lot of evolutionary progress in that.

I think it was probably the right decision to decline with thanks the vice president's offer to put on my green suit and come over to the scatters to serve as one of his decoys. The waiver put me off.

I think it won't be easy but when all's said and done Bro. Huckabee will get the endorsement of Ed (Too Tall) Jones, which should just about wrap it up for him insofar as that particular constituency.

I think I seen one of them extinct peckerwoods right outside the winder just a second ago. Heat the skillet up, Momma. Whirr'd I put that .22?

Add a comment