Inconsequential News Quiz:
This town needs an enema! edition
1) Russellville police responded to a recent early-morning alarm at a branch bank to find a man had broken in. According to police, why did the man say he entered the bank?
A) He'd been told by Jesus Christ to break in and take a Holy Bible.
B) He was jonesin' for one of those lime-green lollipops.
C) His pubic wig got sucked into the bank while he was attempting to fornicate with the pneumatic tube in the drive-through.
D) The latest Trump tweet was so unhinged that he decided to take shelter in a bank vault in anticipation of a surprise nuclear strike on Arkansas.
2) State Rep. (and former Arkansas Times associate editor) Warwick Sabin made a major announcement last week. What was it?
A) His wife, Jessica DeLoach-Sabin, is the masked, crime-fighting vigilante known as "The Ginger Avenger."
B) Little Rock's crippling chicken gizzard shortage is entirely attributable to him.
C) He's considering a run for Little Rock mayor in 2018.
D) He falsified his resume to exclude his tenure as student body president at Trump University.
3) At a July 6 press conference, Governor Hutchinson announced a plan to combat an increase in violent crime in Little Rock. What's the plan, man?
A) NRA-sponsored cases at every intersection with a loaded handgun inside, each stenciled with the words: "In Case of A Bad Guy With A Gun, Break Glass (Good Guys Only)."
C) Increased monitoring of parolees, enhanced liquor permit enforcement and more cooperation between city, county, state and federal law enforcement in sharing intel on violent offenders.
D) Hutchinson himself will do late-night foot patrols of the neighborhoods south of Interstate 630 while wearing a "Free Hugs" T-shirt.
4) State Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Arimathea) recently posed with a giant novelty check during a press conference at the state Capitol. How much was the check for, and why was it given?
A) $100, which Rapert won from Lucien Greaves of The Satanic Temple after a bet to see which of them could make the most people abandon organized Christianity in a calendar year.
B) A $25,000 donation from the producers of the "God's Not Dead" film series, to help rebuild the recently smashed Ten Commandments monument on the Capitol grounds.
C) $500 grand prize in Butthurt Magazine's Social Media Post of the Year contest.
D) A $6,500 check for his celebrity endorsement of Creepy Preacher™ brand menswear.
5) A couple floating the Mulberry River in Franklin County recently ran into a spot of trouble. What, according to police, was the problem?
A) Sasquatch visited their campsite and kept bogarting the joint.
B) Man-on-man action with banjo-playing hillbillies just isn't as hot once you know they all voted for Trump.
C) They ran into an impassable turd jam from the industrial hog farm upstream.
D) A bearded stranger allegedly attempted to detain the woman before attacking her male companion with a machete, severely injuring the companion's arm.
Answers: A, C, C, B, D