Play at home, while burying basic provisions and cherished books under your toolshed!
1) Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee told Fox News recently that he'd been offered a job in the Trump administration, but didn't take it. Why, according to The Huckster, did he turn down the job?
A) While considering it, his hands burned every time he touched a Bible.
B) Too fat for the storm trooper uniform.
C) Huckabee had recently returned from a vacation in Bermuda, and Very White House strategist-to-be Steve Bannon decided he was too brown for the job.
D) Huckabee said of the offer, "I'm not sure it was the right fit."
2) Sen. Bart Hester (R-Cave Man) recently told reporters he wants to place an additional tax on medical marijuana — a hike that would solely impact sick people. Why does Hester want the tax hike?
A) To fund the purchase of a dedicated constitution-shredding machine for every state office.
B) "Jackboots and fancy armbands ain't cheap, bro."
C) So the state can cash in on the Trump Era by starting a chain of salons that specialize in giving stupid people wispy, piss-colored hair.
D) To offset an income tax cut.
3) KATV, Channel 7, recently reported on the case of a truck-driving couple arrested by the Fort Chaffee Police Department and held in jail for two months before they were released, with all charges dropped. Why were they thrown in jail?
A) Sheriff Buford T. Justice from "Smokey and the Bandit" is playing a little fast and loose with probable cause in his old age.
B) They refused to help roll this truckin' convoy across the U.S.A.
C) They were trucking while black.
D) They had a bag of white powder in the cab of their semi, and three different tests administered by the cops who pulled them over identified it as cocaine. Months later, the Arkansas State Crime Lab determined it was actually baking soda.
4) A hearing was recently held to determine the fate of a permit approved last summer by the Arkansas Department of Environmental Quality that environmentalists say could harm the Buffalo River. What does the permit give a company called EC Farms the right to do near Deer (Newton County), in the watershed of the Buffalo?
A) Spray 6.7 million gallons of liquid hog manure on the ground every year, a system called "land farming."
B) No, for real. Almost 7 million gallons of hog turd soup. On the ground. On purpose. Every year. And, in a clear misunderstanding of the phrase "environmental quality," ADEQ's lawyers are actually arguing IN FAVOR of that proposal.
C) OK, we get it. That's like, a LOT of pig crap to get your mind around. Here, try this: Picture an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Now picture 10 of those, filled with murky, liquid swine dookum. That, dumped out on the ground, every year, uphill from the pristine beauty of the Buffalo River. That. Be thankful Arkansas Times can't afford Smell-o-Vision.
D) All of the above. All this. That's right.
5) For a recent story about racism in Harrison, reporters with the British newspaper The Daily Mirror talked to several people there, including a local man who denied being racist even though he admitted voting for Trump because, among other things, he hoped The Orange One would ban Muslims from America. What, according to the Mirror, was the term the man said he preferred to be called instead of "racist"?