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Inconsequential News Quiz: Trial by combat edition

PLAY AT HOME: TO THE DEATH!

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1) In July, the City Council of Pine Bluff voted unanimously to do something that might have been surprising to some. What was the vote about?

A) To evacuate and abandon Pine Bluff, shocking many who thought the city was already abandoned.

B) To rename the large pile of bricks and splintered lumber that has blocked Main Street for months "Mt. Pine Bluff."

C) To rescind the medals of valor awarded to members of the Pine Bluff Police Department SWAT team for a 2013 incident in which they stormed the bedroom of a 107-year-old man holed up inside with a gun and shot him to death.

D) To name Arnold's Catfish Place in Pine Bluff a city, state and national treasure (seriously, you should go).

2) In early August, robot-related news from Arkansas went viral online. What happened?

A) Long-haul trucker Dusty Merkin of Paragould filed for divorce after learning his wife, Wanda, had built "a love bot" from washing machine parts while he was away.

B) Sen. Tom Cotton (a.k.a.: Cottontron 5000) unexpectedly became self-aware following a lightning strike on Koch Industries during his yearly overhaul and oil change.

C) Drone camera hovering near the Governor's Mansion outed Governor Hutchinson as a fan of naked hula hooping, with the video immediately seized by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as a potential mental health hazard.

D) A Little Rock resident posted on Facebook about the horrors that resulted when his "Roomba" robot vacuum ran over a pile of dog shit while the family was sleeping, then proceeded to smear it all over the house.

3) Peak irony was reached in a recent Facebook post by Little Rock homeless champion Aaron Reddin (facebook.com/itsthevan) in which Reddin said a homeless man told him he had been kicked out of The Compassion Center, a Little Rock shelter, because the man ...

A) Refused to provide the staff with wise, Oprahesque platitudes to help them find meaning in their solidly middle-class lives.

B) Couldn't stop crying.

C) Didn't know the words to a single song from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"

D) Asked to sleep in one of the dozens of church sanctuaries all over the city that sit dry, air-conditioned and empty most nights of the year between dusk and dawn.

4) Recently, officials with the Miss Arkansas Pageant decided to make a change that's sure to be controversial. What was the change?

A) After 58 years in Hot Springs, the pageant will move to Little Rock in 2017.

B) The pageant will no longer be called a "scholarship competition" in favor of the more accurate "future trophy wife casting call."

C) Next year's crown to be made of three pounds of peanut brittle, which must be eaten by Miss Arkansas 2018 in under 15 minutes in order to assume the title.

D) The winner will henceforth be decided through Trial by Combat as seen on "Game of Thrones." Hulga "The Mountains" Hopewell of White County is an early favorite to win.

5) Sept. 28 is sure to be an interesting day for those who live and work in downtown Little Rock. What's happening that day?

A) It's Consequence Free Day, the once-a-decade 24-hour period in which all crimes are legal, as seen in the 2013 film "The Purge." Most Little Rock residents should notice no change.

B) Bring Your Tiger to Work Day.

C) Arkansas Travelers mascot Otey the Swamp Possum will be released back into the wild. We can only pray he never kills again.

D) The Broadway Bridge, a crucial artery for traffic over the Arkansas River, is closing that morning for the start of a six-month replacement project.

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