1) The Arkansas Bureau of Standards has been cracking down on a fake item being sold to some consumers in Arkansas. What's the fraudulent item?
A) "Protho Junction Is for Lovers" T-shirts.
B) Knockoffs of U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton's signature cologne, "Goiter."
C) Catfish, with DNA testing showing that a few restaurants across the state have served a fish species imported from Vietnam known as Pangasius, which is reportedly more prone to bacterial infections because the fish are often raised in "waste and sludge."
D) Turkey bacon made from strips of recycled rubber, with the fraud coming to light after customers noticed the much-improved flavor.
2) Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee took to Twitter recently to share a "joke" based on an experience he'd had that day. Which of the following is a real element the Huckster included in this allegedly humorous interlude?
A) It was about his colonoscopy. Take all the time you need to process that image.
B) He likened getting a camera shoved up his butt to "Russian meddling."
C) He joked about being anesthetized with the same drug that killed singer Michael Jackson, and then doubled down by saying: "I MOON-walked right out of the hospital!" HILARIOUS!
D) All of the above. And if you're not frowning in horror right now, get a CAT scan, STAT.
3) There was some potentially good news for critters recently. What was it?
A) The Yellville Chamber of Commerce announced it will no longer sponsor the annual "Turkey Trot" festival, which has drawn international bad press for years over the grotesque tradition of dropping live turkeys from an airplane, with some of the terrified birds falling to their deaths.
B) Activists with PETA successfully busted into a North Little Rock lab and freed all the mangy, urine-colored opossums used to test Donald Trump's line of hair care products.
C) Little Rock Mayor Mark Stodola announced that a temporary peace deal has been brokered with the 36-foot-long, hyper-intelligent iguana that lurks in the sewers of Hillcrest.
D) The ivory-billed woodpecker has been found. It was reportedly delicious!
4) A popular bagel shop in Maumelle closed earlier this month, and is reportedly seeking a new owner. Why, according to police, was the restaurant closed?
A) They ran out of holes for the bagels.
B) A bovine mudbutt outbreak in Wisconsin has caused a historic cream cheese shortage.
C) The owner could no longer deal with the constant online bullying from archrival Pierre's Croissant Hut.
D) The co-owner of the business was arrested on a felony charge of attempted arson after, police say, the Maumelle Fire Department discovered someone had rigged his house with gasoline bombs hooked to timers with the apparent goal, according to a spokesman, to "detonate the house."
5) Recently, officers with the Little Rock Police Department arrested a man after they say he attempted a rather novel method to evade the cops trying to apprehend him. What, according to police, did the man do to try to dodge the long arm of the law?
A) He threw down a smoke bomb and shouted "NINJA VANISH!" but was quickly apprehended while trying to crawl out a window.
B) He allegedly poured an acid-based drain cleaner called "Liquid Fire" into his mouth and spat it on the cops, burning officers and his own mouth.
C) Led police on a high-speed chase through West Little Rock that — other than the lights and sirens — was indistinguishable from ordinary high-speed traffic on Chenal Parkway.
D) He tried to bribe them with a Dorito Loco taco and 400 skee-ball tickets he'd won at Dave & Busters.