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Inconsequential News Quiz: Thank God and Greyhound, They're Gone! Edition

Play at home, if it doesn't intrude on your religious freedom.


Play at home, if it doesn't intrude on your religious freedom.

1) Last week, as hundreds of LGBT people and their supporters turned out in Arkansas and Indiana to protest anti-LGBT "religious freedom" bills in both states, Sen. Tom Cotton appeared on CNN to say that LGBT folks needed to "get perspective" on the issue. What did Cotton say they should think about to help them reach "perspective"?

A) "Look on the bright side: at least you're not me."

B) "They should know that any deal they reach with Governors Hutchinson and Pence can be undone with the stroke of a pen by the next governor, so they should stop their attempts to get a nuclear bomb immediately."

C) "In Iran, they hang you for the crime of being gay."

D) "Danger, Will Robinson! Error! Error! Reboot!"

2) Which of the following is a real, cartoonishly evil accomplishment of the Republican-led 90th General Assembly?

A) House Bill 631, which authorizes any adult to literally snatch candy from the hand of a baby if the baby is "African-American, Latino, female, sets off one's 'gaydar', is being carried in one of those Baby Bjork [sic] hippie slings, or is currently in the company of an adult driving an automobile with a 'Co-Exist' bumper sticker."

B) Cut state support for public libraries by 18 percent in order to give Arkansas's richest people a capital gains tax cut.

C) Reinstated slavery in White County, because Rep. Bobby Jack Pecker (R-Pangburn) was "having a hell of a time keeping good help."

D) Passed The Bipartisan Friendship and Understanding Act, under which "a posse wielding bullwhips shall pursue all known liberals on horseback until exhaustion, at which time said Marxists shall be netted and dragged immediately to the nearest bus terminal, river port, rail yard or airport for immediate deportation to Masachusits [sic] or Californee [sic]."

3) Arkansas's professional photographers rose as one in their opposition to SB 79, which was eventually vetoed by Gov. Asa Hutchinson. Why did the state's crop of shutterbugs dislike SB 79?

A) Would have required one of them, picked by lottery, to shoot a "Men of the 90th General Assembly" nude photo spread.

B) Would have required a commercial photographer to get a signed release from every person appearing in a photograph — even in cases where dozens of people might happen to be in the background of a photo taken in a public place — or else he or she could be sued.

C) Stipulated that any LGBT person photographed in the state must hold up a sign that says "The Power of Christ Compels Me."

D) Outlawed all photography within the borders of Arkansas, due to Sen. Bart Hester's belief that cameras can totally steal your soul, dude.

4) Now that the Arkansas State Legislature has approved the construction of a "historic monument" featuring the Ten Commandments on State Capitol grounds, which of the following religious faiths could potentially make a convincing court argument that they, too, should have their own historic monument on the lawn of the Arkansas State Capitol?

A) Church of Satan

B) Church of Santa

C) First Church of Our Lord and Savior, Bob Seger

D) Temple of Thor (mythological and/or Marvel comic)

E) Blues Brotherhood of Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration

F) The Covenant, the Sword and the Arm of the Lord

G) Big Bob's Church and Used Mattress Warehouse

H) Faith-R-Us

I) The Tarantinoite Monastery

J) The Reformed Brantlians (Max Brantley, pope)

K) The Ku Klux Klan (est. 1865)

L) The KISStians

M) The Patient Disciples of Gozer the Gozerian from "Ghostbusters."

N) Apostles of the Blessed Reincarnation of Tony Alamo

O) All of the above! Bring your sacred text, hastily-printed pamphlet, ancient scroll or rune-covered animal hide and come on in!

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