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Inconsequential News Quiz: Spiritual Warfare Edition!

Play at home, while tending your ravenous goatherd.

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1) The University of Arkansas recently announced a change for Razorback football in 2019. What's coming for the Hogs?

A) Confetti cannons during games will no longer be filled with shredded taxpayer dollars.

B) The new version of Razorback mascot Tusk will be a plug-in hybrid model.

C) After 10 years of artificial turf, Reynolds Razorback Stadium in Fayetteville is going back to natural grass.

D) All-nude tailgating.

2) Recently, state Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Republic of Gilead) spoke to the evangelical Christian publication Charisma News about "an uptick in spiritual warfare against him." Which of the following were among the things Rapert told the magazine?

A) He believes that God literally spoke to him and encouraged him to run for office.

B) He bragged on his 2013 sponsorship of a "heartbeat bill," which banned abortions past 12 weeks' gestation, but conveniently neglected to mention the $97,612.02 in attorney's fees Arkansas taxpayers had to fork over to the ACLU after a federal court overturned the patently unconstitutional ban in 2015.

C) He said he has "endured public ridicule by the atheist community, extreme liberals and even by organized satanic organizations." No word, however, on whether Rapert realizes he actually deserves to be ridiculed.

D) All of the above.

3) Speaking of the UA, the university recently announced an innovative plan to help remove overgrowth of invasive honeysuckle and Chinese privet along the Oak Ridge Trail near Garland Avenue in Fayetteville. What's the plan, man?

A) Put up signs saying the bushes are organic Zimbabwian kale; let hipster foodies do the rest.

B) Good guys with guns.

C) A herd of hungry goats will be used to devour the plants.

D) Interns will wield Army surplus flamethrowers.

4) Recently, the Arkansas Supreme Court ordered Arkansas Attorney General Leslie Rutledge to do something she's steadfastly refused to do this year. What did it order her to do?

A) It gave her three days to either approve or rewrite a ballot proposal that would raise the state's minimum wage, which forced Rutledge to break her streak of rejecting 70 proposed ballot initiatives in a row because she claimed they were too unclear or vague to put before the voters.

B) Smile.

C) Let go of the idea that her Beanie Baby collection is going to be worth a fortune someday.

D) Eat something other than unsweetened bran flakes with skim milk.

5) The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers recently closed two beaches on lakes in Southwest Arkansas due to high E. coli levels. To what does the Arkansas Department of Health attribute the spike in fecal bacteria in the water?

A) Former Gov. Mike Huckabee recently visited the beaches for a swim, and with a piece of crap that big in the water, it was bound to happen.

B) Goose droppings.

C) The new Taco Bueno that just went in up the street.

D) Trump-emboldened drunks are no longer only going No. 1 in the water.

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