1) Jerald Deral Jones, 30, a criminal defendant on trial in Miller County on charges of robbery and false imprisonment, didn't even make it through his recent trial before catching another charge. According to investigators, what did Jones do that got him arrested again DURING his trial?
A) After firing his attorney, he showed up for court in a seersucker suit, telling the jury he planned to "Matlock that shit."
B) He hired a stealthy day laborer to repeatedly lift the judge's robe with a leaf blower, replicating the famous scene from "The Seven Year Itch."
C) He allegedly attempted to intimidate one of the just-selected jurors, with investigators saying he followed the man to his car and delivered an apparent warning about snitching, which landed Jones a whole new charge of jury tampering.
D) He put the SYSTEM on trial, man.
2) Mike Huckabee is, unfortunately, back in the news after advocating for a law that would make the beach in front of his $3 million mansion in Santa Rosa, Fla. private property instead of allowing public access up to the high tide line, as has long been the rule. Which of the following is part of the Huckster's argument for making the beach in front of his palatial manse a Huck-only stretch of sand?
A) Huckabee's sons are timid and easily startled creatures, and need the beach undisturbed so they can lay their eggs by moonlight, cover the nests with their flippers, then disappear back into the sea.
B) He's had to pick up dog poop, plastic wrappers and used condoms from the beach.
C) The sight of Mike and Janet in their swimwear has already permanently blinded four unsuspecting tourists.
D) Every time Mike tries to tell a passerby on the beach one of his jokes, the person rushes into the waves and drowns himself.
3) Vice President Mike Pence will be in Little Rock on Sept. 21. Why is Pence coming to town?
A) A cover shoot for the October issue of Distinguished White Asshole magazine.
B) Not to put on a fake mustache and guiltily haunt the city's seedier gay bars, no matter what you may have heard.
C) To stump for Republican U.S. Rep. French Hill.
D) Donald Trump's bowels are expected to reach critical mass during that morning's round of Twitter on the Shitter, and the Secret Service wants Pence outside the projected blast radius.
4) Recently, the website Wallethub.com posted the results of a study that crunched 31 key metrics — including the overall depression rate, income and job data, and the perceived level of life satisfaction as seen in polling — and the results revealed something interesting about Arkansas. What did the study reveal?
A) One in four Arkansans dies from eating a contaminated funnel cake.
B) Annually, the residents of Rose City drink three times as much vodka as they do water.
C) Arkansas is reportedly the 49th unhappiest state in America with only West Virginia being more bummed.
D) That Arkansas residents should really be more optimistic because, statistically, it can't really get much worse than this.
5) From the "You Win Some, You Lose Some" file, something weird happened to Tyson Foods executive Noel White on the same day the company announced he was being promoted to the position of president and CEO of the giant corporation. What happened?
A) His every waking moment is now haunted by millions of silent, glowing-eyed chickens only he can see.
B) The president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals challenged him to a loser-quits wrasslin' cage match.
C) His house caught on fire, requiring the assistance from the Fayetteville and Tontitown fire departments to extinguish the blaze.
D) The super-secret recipe for Chicken McNuggets was revealed to him, and, after 30 straight minutes of vomiting and dry-heaving, he announced he was going vegan.