News » The Big Picture

Inconsequential News Quiz: Slim Chocolate Strikes Again Edition

Play at home, while petting your chijuahha, chiwajha, tiny dog!

comment

1) An Arkansas Department of Correction employee told police he was robbed in Little Rock on May 30 after pulling over to "relieve himself," with armed robbers taking his uniforms, shoes, wallet and car. Where did the victim saying he was going when he was robbed?

A) To a Little Rock hotel, where he said he was planning to meet a woman he met online whom he knew only as "Slim Chocolate."

B) To hang out behind the Zip-E-Mart in Prothro Junction, where he hoped to score the ADC a new supply of the execution drug midazolam.

C) "To hell, if I don't change my ways."

D) To his second job as a stripper dressed as a prison guard.

2) Bentonville retail behemoth Walmart recently announced it is testing a new idea in Arkansas and New Jersey that it hopes will improve the experience of customers. What is it?

A) Building a series of squalid shacks behind all stores so associates never have to leave.

B) Having Walmart employees deliver packages ordered online on their way home from work.

C) "Hunger Games"-style combat in the housewares section to determine what customers get the first crack at Memorial Day weekend and Black Friday deals.

D) "All You Can Eat Outdated Cole Slaw Thursdays" with shoppers encouraged to bring their own spoon or ladle.

3) To mark the National Spelling Bee, Google.com recently published a list of the most often misspelled words in each of the 50 states. What, according to Google, was Arkansas's most often misspelled word?

A) Bootylicious

B) Libtard

C) Covfefe

D) Chihuahua

4) Suggestions are pouring in to Governor Hutchinson's "My Idea" website, myidea.arkansas.gov, which allows Arkansans to suggest improvements to Arkansas state government. Which of the following is a real suggestion recently sent to the site?

A) "No tort reform. Further, do whatever you can to get rid of Rapert. Wow. What an idiot."

B) "I don't care how you do it, just do it. Final goal: Get rid of Rapert."

C) "Get Rapert out of there and stop listening to him!"

D) "Ignore Rapert."

E) "Ignore Rapert. Please, I beg you!"

F) "Tying Jason Rapert, Bart Hester, Bob Ballinger and Charlie Collins to a 25-foot-tall inflatable dildo and setting them out to sea."

G) All of the above.

5) Speaking of Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway), he recently posted and later deleted (and later reposted) a post on social media after commenters took him to task over it. What was the tweet about?

A) An announcement that he and "God" had completed a draft of his book: "The Bible Part II: Homophobic Boogaloo."

B) A video in which Rapert got so caught up in his latest Facebook Live rant that he set the cruise control and started digging for his Precise Concordance of the New Testament in the backseat of his Ford while going 70 mph on the freeway.

C) A post that defined several terms, including racist, bigot, fascist, Islamophobe and Nazi, as "a person who wins an argument with a Liberal" — which, of course, would seem to suggest that Bro. Rapert believes racism, bigotry, fascism, Islamophobia and neo-Nazism don't exist outside the imagination of dastardly liberals.

D) A tearful confession that his planned Ten Commandments monument on the state Capitol lawn will, in fact, cost the taxpayers of Arkansas a "metric shitheap" of cash in lawyer's fees before it's ultimately ordered removed by the courts.

Add a comment

Clicky