Play at home!
1) In August, shortly before disgraced Arkansas Treasurer Martha Shoffner was sentenced to a term in federal prison for accepting kickbacks from a Little Rock bond broker in exchange for state business, her attorney, Chuck Banks, made a final plea to the court for a lenient sentence. Which of the following was included in Banks' plea?
A) Held aloft a boombox playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
B) Screened a time-lapse video of a melting, strawberry-flavored sno-cone, representing Shoffner's integrity shrinking until it disappeared.
C) Showed the judge a photo of Shoffner's late dog, Fred, which was inscribed: "Thanks, Chuck. Your friend, Fred."
D) Referred to the sweetness of freedom as "sweeter than all the pies that were in the boxes Martha received, before they were stuffed with bribe money."
2) Traffic on Interstate 30 at Little Rock was stalled for more than an hour recently after an unusual vehicle flipped on the bridge over the Arkansas River, blocking all eastbound traffic. What was it?
A) Truckload of fresh shame on its way to the home of Rep. Justin Harris (R-West Fork).
B) Trailer containing the Arkansas Highway Department's mobile traffic safety simulator.
C) A covered wagon.
D) Electric scooter piloted by a 91-year-old man, who said he was going to Protho Junction "for some nookie."
3) Bald Knob Police Chief Erek Balentine — who made headlines a while back for arresting a man who was openly carrying a handgun in that town — recently announced he was resigning, citing the safety of his family following a protest outside his home by a few of the sane and rational individuals who believe they should be allowed to openly carry the firearm of their choice anywhere in Arkansas. What was the protest?
A) Glock licking contest.
B) Spelling bee over the words "Constitution," "Regulated," "Militia," "Necessary" and "Amendment." All contestants were quickly eliminated.
C) Balentine's Dodge was set on fire, with the phrase "2 Amendment" spray-painted down both sides of the pickup.
D) A peaceful demonstration of informed Americans, exercising their lawful right to assemble and share their grievances with a public official without resorting to property destruction, intimidation or violence. Just kidding. It was totally C.
4) Last week, the Arkansas Capitol Police banned a vehicle from being operated on the grounds of the Arkansas State Capitol. What was it?
A) Bulletproof, man-sized hamsterball Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) insists on being inside at all times.
B) Bookmobile, because the legislature don't need no gatdamn booklearnin'.
C) Unmanned aerial camera drones.
D) Hog-hauling truck used as a personal vehicle by Rep. Harlan Pecker (R-Merkin Fork).
5) Police said that a capital-murder suspect who escaped from the Ouachita County Jail in Camden stole a rather non-nonchalant vehicle to make his getaway when he absconded from custody. He was later recaptured after the entirely noticeable vehicle was spotted in Bryant. What was he driving?
A) Amphibious troop carrier from the National Guard motor pool nearby.
C) 1962 Ford Galaxie.
D) Powder-blue hearse from the local funeral home.