1) Duane "Dak" Kees, the new U.S. attorney for the Western District of Arkansas, recently said something in a media interview that would seem to put him at odds with the Trump administration. What was it?A) "Given the choice of Trump versus a rotting Jack O' Lantern in 2020, I'm O'Lantern all the way!
"Trump's toupee? 100 percent Russian hooker pubes."
C) He said he plans to "prioritize the deportation of undocumented immigrants who are convicted criminals" over those without a criminal record, adding that deporting a hard-working immigrant with a family who hasn't committed a crime doesn't do much good for the local community.
D) "You're not going to believe this, but Jeff Sessions is, like, teacup-poodle-sized."
2) Speaking of not doing much good for the community, it turns out that Arkansas Attorney General Leslie Rutledge is part of an effort that could devastate millions of the most vulnerable Americans. What has she done this time?
A) While in the Oval Office, she swapped the label on Trump's "Bring Me Another Diet Coke" button with the one on the "Launch All ICBMs" button.
B) She's lobbying for Sarah Huckabee Sanders to be the new voice of Google Maps navigation, potentially leading to a rash of rage-induced vehicular homicides.
C) She's one of the red state attorneys general behind a lawsuit that could overturn the Affordable Care Act's ban on denying insurance coverage for those with pre-existing conditions, which the Trump administration recently announced it would no longer oppose in court.
D) She recently rolled out her signature perfume, "Duplicity," which features fragrance notes including "DHS Office," "Trump's Ass" and "Rarely Washed Hair."
3) The Wikipedia entry for former state Sen. Jon Woods, who was convicted in May in the fast-unfolding kickback scheme involving taxpayer money, was altered recently. Which of the following is included on Woods' Wikipedia page, but NOT his status as a convicted felon?
A) He was a producer on "Geek Rock" band The Plaid Jackets' song "Adam West is Batman"!
B) He was once a lifeguard at the Siloam Springs pool!
C) He's a bass guitarist for the band "A Good Fight"!
D) All of the above.
4) Benton police officers recently arrested a man at a McDonald's restaurant. What, besides his own recital of the drugs he was on, tipped them off that he was under the influence?
A) One officer wrote in his report that the man's pupils were "so small that they were almost non-existent."
B) He allegedly asked an employee repeatedly to have sex with him.
C) After eating another person's food, he allegedly whipped out his penis in the restaurant and began flogging the bishop.
D) All of the above.
5) The USDA has confirmed the appearance of a dangerous species for the first time in Arkansas. What's the critter?
A) The Lesser-Educated Trumpian Weasel.
B) A lizard man from Zebulax 8, discovered after Sen. Tom Cotton's shoddy rubber human mask fell away during a speech.
C) The longhorned tick, an invasive East Asian variety that can cause bacterial and viral diseases in humans and animals, including thrombocytopenia syndrome, which causes multiorgan failure that is fatal in up to 30 percent of cases.
D) Holy shit. It's one of the above. Be afraid, Benton County. Be very afraid.