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Inconsequential News Quiz: Oh, Christ, Edition

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1) Recently, a 10-year-old Hot Springs Village boy, who had been saddened when none of his classmates responded to invitations to attend his birthday party, was delighted two days later with a surprise. What was the surprise?

A) The skulls of his enemies, polished and arranged on the sidewalk outside.

B) In the night, elves made all the shoes he'd been too heartbroken to cobble.

C) Four uniformed Arkansas State Troopers, who, hearing about his plight, surprised him with gifts and a cake, let him run the lights and sirens on a cruiser, and introduced him to a police dog.

D) Directorship of the Arkansas Department of Parks and Tourism, based on his having donated $6 to the campaign of Gov. Hutchinson.

2) Last week, an unsigned editorial from the historically right-leaning editorial page of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, the state's largest newspaper, advocated for the abolition of a certain practice for the first time. What was the editorial about?

A) That whoever keeps cooking chili in the D-G break room microwave without putting a paper towel over the bowl should cut that shit out IMMEDIATELY.

B) Abolishing the death penalty.

C) A principled stand against the longstanding contention that he who hath smelt it, surely hath dealt it.

D) An impassioned, primal cry for the return of the funk.

3) A teacher at Mills High School in Pulaski County was recently recommended for firing after he did some questionable things during a U.S. history class. What was the issue?

A) Showed the gory, R-rated film "The Passion of the Christ," complete with a handout asking questions about Jesus' suffering for the salvation of mankind.

B) Went on a rant, captured on audio and forwarded to the ACLU, against liberalism after someone complained about the showing of "The Passion of the Christ."

C) Told the class at the majority black high school during that rant: "I'll never understand how blacks can support the Democratic Party. It just blows my mind. All they do is convince y'all that whoever the Republican nominee is, is going to take away food stamps and all this stuff, put you in chains and send you back to Africa."

D) All of the above.

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4) Last week, a group of protesters shocked motorists near the corner of Markham and University. What were they protesting against?

A) The phrase "So crowded you couldn't swing a dead cat."

B) Male circumcision, while wearing white jumpsuits with splotches of bright red at the crotch.

C) They were counter-counter-protesting the counter-protest of the protest across the street, which was actually just a guy spinning a sign for a mattress store.

D) The fact that there are two damn Markham Streets in Little Rock that do not connect.

5) Recently, the Pulaski County Sheriff's Office announced it had spent over $26,000 on a wardrobe change that Sheriff Doc Holladay said was designed to make deputies look more professional. What was the addition to their wardrobe?

A) Batsuits.

B) Cowboy hats.

C) Chrome-plated codpieces.

D) Scottish kilts "with freeballin' downstairs."

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