News » The Big Picture

Inconsequential News Quiz: Lunch Meat Special

Play at home! Amaze your friends!

comment
thebigpicture1-1.jpg

1) In a recent interview with the New York Times, U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton admitted a habit that might seem a little weird to some folks. What is it?

A) He and his wife eat birthday cake and ice cream almost every day of their lives.

B) That thing you do that you hope nobody ever finds out about? He does that, too.

C) Picks up homeless people and pays them to ride around with him in his car while he sings along to the 1996 Alvin and the Chipmunks album "Club Chipmunk: The Dance Mixes."

D) He can only ingest foods thinner than one-quarter of an inch, including saltine crackers, tortillas, thin-sliced bologna, vanilla wafers and unfrosted Pop Tarts.

2) A Kentucky blogger recently noted something strange about the law authorizing the construction of a "historic monument" to the biblical Ten Commandments on the grounds of the Arkansas State Capitol. What's the issue?

A) Includes a commandment that everybody shut the hell up when NASCAR is on.

B) The monument is to be constructed entirely of barbershop hair sweepings, chicken wire and mud from Jason Rapert's driveway.

C) The text to be inscribed on the monument actually includes 11 Commandments, with the commandment against "coveting" split into two distinct prohibitions: coveting thy neighbors' house and coveting "thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cattle, nor anything that is thy neighbor's."

D) The law requires that "a harlot, fornicator and/or Philistine" be sacrificed atop the monument on June 1 every year to ensure Yahweh grants the state a bountiful harvest.

3) Last week, an Arkansas man was sentenced in Memphis to six years of probation and in-patient drug treatment after being convicted of doing something in that city that he probably shouldn't have done. What did he allegedly do?

A) Scaled the fence at Graceland and took a picture of himself using The King's john.

B) Asked for a vegan menu at Central BBQ.

C) Went to the home of Leigh Anne Tuohy from "The Blind Side" and asked to be adopted, even though he's not a 6-foot, 4-inch NFL-caliber football phenom willing to play for her alma mater.

D) Traded the big rig he was driving — including a refrigerated trailer containing over $50,000 worth of chilled lunch meat — to two men he met at a gas station in exchange for crack cocaine.

4) Recently, Lonoke County sheriffs raided the home of a former police officer who had worked with the local Drug Abuse Resistance Education (D.A.R.E.) program, the outreach effort that goes into schools to teach children about the dangers of drugs and drug abuse. What do police say they allegedly found there?

A) Dozens of police uniforms with the backs covered in dried spitballs.

B) Nancy Reagan, with a frying pan, sizzling an egg that symbolizes your brain on drugs.

C) Firearms, over $1,300 in cash, and 26 grams of methamphetamine.

D) Compromising photos of McGruff the Crime Dog and Smokey the Bear.

5) Last week, the Little Rock Board of Directors voted to approve a measure that was applauded by many citizens. What did they vote to do?

A) Extended anti-discrimination protections to include LGBTQ city employees and required any company that contracts with the city to do the same.

B) Coin-operated handgun polishers on every other street corner.

C) State Capitol building to be moved to North Little Rock prior to the next infestation by the Arkansas General Assembly.

D) Sinks featuring hot water, cold water and craft beer in all city park restrooms.

Add a comment

Clicky