1) There was a ruckus recently at Park Plaza Mall. What, according to police, was the issue?
A) Somebody at Romancing the Stone shattered a plaster statue of Kali, thus angering the goddess, who turned everyone in the store into a writhing pile of eels.
B) The salespeople at Teavana took "pushy" to the next level when they pulled knives and forced random passersby to try the goddam chamomile mint blend, or else.
C) A woman allegedly tried to steal a portable stripper pole and bit a worker who tried to stop her.
D) An employee with Build-A-Bear Workshop finally got fed up and told "all you grown-ass weirdos here to buy yourself a stuffed animal" to leave the store.
2) Yahoo News recently reported on an incident that happened in March at the state Capitol that resulted in the Capitol Police being called in. What, according to the story, was the issue?
A) Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Merkin Gap) became enraged when he learned workers had installed the new Ten Commandments monument on the Capitol lawn with Velcro instead of cement, to speed up the process when it is inevitably ordered removed by the federal courts.
B) After Sen. Linda Collins-Smith (R-Pocahontas) and local activist Rae Nelson met in a ladies restroom, Nelson told the senator — who was then in the process of trying to push through a "bathroom bill" that would have forced transgender people to use the restroom for their birth gender — "I am a black trans woman and we are in the bathroom together and you survived."
C) A lovesick janitor popped the lock on the roof and painted "Marry me, Miley Cyrus!" in 6-foot-tall letters on the Capitol dome.
D) Governor Hutchinson finally resorted to "tough love" in his quest to stop Secretary of State Mark Martin from peeing in the Arkansas Senate coat closet.
3) A patron of the Ashdown Community Library in Little River County was recently sent packing and told never to return. Who was it, and what was the issue?
A) Juvenile delinquent Tommy Perche, who hides in the stacks and shouts "**** it!" every time a librarian tells someone to "Shhhhhh ... ."
B) Mildred Bell, a local crank who insists on trying to force her own hyper-narrow view of morality on others based on her favorite book, which features a talking snake, a magical apple and a guy singlehandedly building a wooden cruise ship, all in chapter one.
C) All 23 members of the Ashdown "Fifty Shades of Grey" fan club, who keep getting in arguments over who is most in need of a good spanking.
D) Madeline the Library Cat, who lived part time at the library, but was told she had to go because some patrons have feline allergies.
4) Little Rock was recently the scene of a crime that shocked even the larceny-numbed residents of the capital city. What happened?
A) Almighty God's Harley-Davidson was stolen near Third and Chester streets after the Lord came down to try to sort out just what the hell we all think we're doing down here.
B) Investigators determined the state Capitol was secretly stripped of all brass doorknobs, copper pipes and wiring by members of the Legislature before they returned to their various hamlets, caves and secluded hollers.
C) An employee of the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences was robbed at gunpoint while inside the hospital.
D) A new report from the Little Rock city manager's office shows that homeless people have been greedily stealing breathable oxygen that could have potentially been used by a tourist visiting Riverfront Park.
5) Little Rock movie theater Riverdale 10 recently made a post to its Facebook page that raised some eyebrows about the motive for the posting. What was the post?
A) It revealed that its "luxury seating" is actually just 25 secondhand couches bought at area Goodwill stores.
B) A link to a news report about a recent shooting in the parking lot of the theater's crosstown rival Cinemark Colonel Glenn 18, which left a bystander wounded in the leg.
C) Its popcorn is now available with butter, salt and blue supermeth sprinkles.
D) An apology for a recent accidental screening of the first 12 minutes of the "erotic" film "Weiner Woman."