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Inconsequential News Quiz: It's all Legalese to Me Edition

LITIGATE at home!


1) Officials at the Craighead County Courthouse in Jonesboro have recently installed cameras to combat a recurring problem there. What's the issue?

A) Visitors repeatedly peeing in the elevator, even though every floor has public restrooms 25 feet from the elevator doors.

B) Illegal wagering on piglet racing in the basement.

C) Circuit Judge Merkin B. Pickle's insistence on stringing up defendants by their thumbs from a hook in the ceiling while they testify.

D) Meth use by courtroom stenographer Myrtle Bundt, which has increased her average typing speed so much that her typewriter recently caught fire during a jury trial.

2) The recent jury trial in a federal civil suit brought against a former LR police officer who beat a man outside Ferneau restaurant in October 2011 descended into theater at one point. What happened?

A) Defendant's attorney Bill James had the plaintiff come down from the witness stand to physically demonstrate his claim that he was able to get up from a facedown position while handcuffed, with James doing a passable impersonation of a fish in the bottom of a boat while making his own attempt to replicate the feat on the floor in front of the jury box.

B) The lawsuit was dropped after the cop and the plaintiff bonded over their love for strawberry Fanta, the lush erotica of Anais Nin and the filmography of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

C) Plaintiff's attorney Reggie Koch hulked out and smashed a chair over a bailiff's head after the judge repeatedly mispronounced his name, including "Ragey Coach," "Regular Coat" and "Reggae Cock."

D) U.S. District Judge Herman Butts Jr. fell asleep several times during testimony, including one instance in which he farted so loudly that the defense attorney was moved to object.

3) A story about Facebook with an Arkansas angle was in the news in recent days. What was it?

A) Facebook reached a settlement in a class-action lawsuit whose lead plaintiffs, residents of Little Rock, claimed the company had been invading plaintiffs' privacy by reading private messages passed between users in order to target advertising.

B) Large public protests at the state Capitol, demanding the return of the ability to "poke."

C) Founder Mark Zuckerberg visited Little Rock as part of his cross-country tour to apologize to America for "getting you back in touch with all the jerkoffs you hated in high school."

D) A personal appearance in North Little Rock by God, in which He admitted He doesn't actually care whether you forward those Facebook prayer requests your friends send you.

4) Josh Duggar, the former professional morality scold whose own alleged moral transgressions cost his family their lucrative "[Umpteen Bazillion] Kids and Counting" reality TV series, recently made the news again. What was the issue?

A) Duggar filed and later withdrew an attempt to join a federal civil suit brought by four of his sisters against "In Touch" magazine, the city of Springdale, Washington County and officials who released information about an investigation into allegations he'd sexually molested his sisters when he was a teenager.

B) Duggar's intervention motion said the story "In Touch" published caused him "severe emotional distress" and "embarrassment."

C) Duggar's intervention motion said the story "In Touch" published caused him "humiliation" and "harm both to his personal and professional reputations."

D) All of the above. Won't SOMEONE consider how Josh has suffered?

5) John Bush, a Little Rock-born attorney and right-wing blogger who has been nominated to a federal judgeship by President Trump, revealed something rather shocking about himself during his confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. What was it?

A) He once referred to Trump as an "addled orange dickweasel."

B) He indicated he didn't know much about the U.S. Supreme Court's landmark 1954 Brown v. Board of Education decision, which struck down segregation in public schools and led to widespread civil unrest — including in his own hometown in 1957 — when he answered a question on whether the case had divided the country by saying: "I wasn't alive at the time of Brown, but I don't think it did."

C) Never met in secret with Russian government operatives, making him the first known Trump appointee who didn't get around to playing footsie with the Russkies.

D) Admitted he doesn't like birthday cake, warmongering bluster or egotistical dudes with necks longer than a standard cubit, drawing an immediate "no" vote from Sen. Tom Cotton, R-Ark.

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