A) Disrupted a screening of "The Post" by pumping his fist and shouting "I LOVE DICK!" every time President Richard Nixon appeared on
B) Skipped his 30,000-sneer oil change at the Koch Industries Political Cyborg Lab, resulting in a blown head gasket.
C) Covered for Donald Trump's "shithole countries" remark about Haiti and Africa by first saying he didn't recall Trump making the statement even though he was in the room, and later doubling down to insinuate that other officials who did hear the statement were lying.
D) Accidentally left his squalid basement unlocked, allowing the undocumented immigrant he keeps there, in case he ever needs a kidney transplant, to escape.
2) The Labette Community College men's and women's basketball teams made the trek from Parsons, Kan., to North Arkansas College in Arkansas's notorious sundown town of Harrison for a game last week, and were reportedly greeted by something unsettling. What was it?
A) A fully functional meth lab in the locker room shower, with a note saying it was there in case Labette players needed to "cook a little pick-me-up before the game."
B) "MAKE AMERICA GREAT A.F." written in paint on the guts of 18 tubby fans, a stopgap measure after letters G, A, I and N were horribly burned in a whiskey still explosion.
C) Blatant, shameless racism, natch, including NAC fans making "monkey noises" and crow caws when black players from Labette went to the free-throw line.
D) Klan robes with their last names and player numbers embroidered on the back.
3) Arkansas U.S. Rep. Steve Womack was among the chorus of Republicans who sought to minimize Donald Trump's Oval Office comment that America needs fewer immigrants from "shithole countries" in Africa and more from very, very white Norway. What, in part, did Womack say to Northwest Arkansas station 40/29 News to try and explain away Trump's racism?
A) The countries Trump called shitholes are "behind the times."
B) The countries Trump called shitholes are "depraved."
C) That America should attempt to appeal to immigrants from European countries who can "actually fit into [American] society as we know it."
D) All of the above, and all so unabashedly racist we don't know whether to shit or go blind.
4) The Arkansas Department of Environmental Quality made an announcement recently that was lauded by environmentalists. What was it?
A) They'll no longer allow Tyson Foods to dump all their unsold turkey rectums into Bentonville's drinking water reservoir.
B) Charlene Pickle of Merkin Fork has been permanently banned from publicly wearing any swimsuits that "cover less than 30 percent of the buttocks and/or front overhang."
C) Little Rock Mayor Mark Stodola will no longer be allowed to burn the blankets, sleeping bags and tents of homeless people to heat City Hall.
D) That they had denied a permit for C&H Farms, an industrial-scale hog farming outfit that has two vast, liquid pig dookie lagoons in the watershed of the pristine Buffalo National River.
5) Far-right Republican gubernatorial challenger Jan Morgan — who made national news a few years back after she infamously declared her Hot Springs gun range a "Muslim Free Zone" — stopped by a meeting of the Miller County Republicans recently and said some stuff. What, according to a report by the Texarkana Gazette, was among the stuff she said?
A) Firing two six-guns into the air, she shouted "I
B) That the government should "do nothing" when it comes to education and instead let the free market hold sway — an apparent sign that Morgan opposes taxpayer-funded public schools.
C) Also declared her gun range a "Bigfoot Free Zone," before lauding her perfect record of zero Sasquatch sightings there.
D) Bragged that the .357 magnum revolver she carries on her person at all times can shoot through a cast iron engine block or one standard elementary school.