1) Among the mob of white supremacists and neo-Nazis who recently marched by torchlight in Charlottesville, Va., one person seen in a widely circulated photo stood out because of his red T-shirt. What slogan was printed on the T-shirt?
A) "Indiana Jones Punched Me In The Face, And All I Got Was This Dumb T-Shirt"
B) "Arkansas Engineering"
C) "I'm With Stupid"
D) "Great Grandpa Obviously Didn't Kick Nazi Ass Hard Enough in 1944"
2) A spokesperson for the Arkansas Department of Transportation said the agency has noticed a troubling issue with the new Broadway Bridge connecting Little Rock and North Little Rock. What is it?
A) Every time a barge passes under the bridge, the toilet flushes in Pulaski County Judge Barry Hyde's office.
B) "From the right angle, it kinda looks like boobs."
C) Large amounts of trash are appearing nightly on the bridge's bike/pedestrian lane.
D) The Hungarian architectural firm/doomsday cult that designed the span recently informed ArDOT that during the solar eclipse on Aug. 21, the bridge will summon Gozer the Gozerian from "Ghostbusters."
3) Activists hoping to talk to 3rd District U.S. Rep. Steve Womack about his support for repealing the Affordable Care Act during a "Coffee with the Congressman" event to be held Aug. 21 have noticed something odd about the location of the event. What is it?
A) Without driving the long way 'round through Branson, Mo. (over 85 miles), you have to take a boat to get there.
B) Unless, of course, you want to swim.
C) Specifically, you have to take Peel Ferry over Bull Shoals Lake, the last operating ferry in the state, which holds a maximum of 12 cars — a potential bottleneck for angry constituents who have been coming to events held by Arkansas's representatives and senators since Trump was elected.
D) All of the above.
A) A photo of a case full of shotguns and rifles, topped with a sign that said: "Own the School Like a Hero."
B) Its refusal to institute an age cutoff of 50 on sales of men's "banana hanger" swimsuits.
C) A mass recall on 72-ounce tubs of "I Can't Believe It's Not Hemorrhoid Cream."
D) Lab tests confirming their store-brand frozen steak fingers are made of 100 percent whatever the hell this is:
5) In a clear case of one-upmanship following the recent wreck of a semi hauling thousands of gallons of whiskey, an 18-wheeler that recently crashed in Little Rock on Interstate 30 scattered its cargo all over the highway. What was the truck hauling?
A) The latest load of black and swirling evil sucked from the person of presidential adviser Steve Bannon.
B) 8,000 tiki torches headed to a Target store in Charlottesville, Va., after high demand from lame, dipshit Citronella-smelling 'burb Nazis too dumb to make a proper torch totally depleted their supply.
C) 183 progressive-minded, college-educated Arkansans willing to flee to anywhere but here.
D) Thousands of frozen pizzas, which blanketed the freeway from edge to edge.