1) According to the website arkansasgoatfestival.com, what will be real events and attractions at the Great Arkansas Goat Festival, scheduled for Oct. 1 in Perryville?
A) Goat parade!
B) Celebrity goat milk drinking contest! (Sadly, three-time world champion Benji Hardy of Arkansas Times was injured while training and cannot compete).
C) Door prizes for anyone dressed as a goat!
D) All of the above.
2) The City Council of Eureka Springs recently voted to approve a six-month moratorium on any new bed and breakfast inns in the city. Why, according to supporters of the measure, was this necessary?
A) Constant fog of high-grade pot smoke over Eureka had caused bedbugs to grow to the size of small, very mellow dogs.
B) Recent years have seen a shift away from "quirky sitcom" innkeepers in favor of "kidnappy stabby" innkeepers.
C) A shortage of available housing for both local workers and those looking to relocate to Eureka.
D) Sue and James Plotz of Davenport, Iowa. Thanks for spoiling it for everybody, asswipes.
3) Recently, an act of kindness went viral online after a waiter at an Olive Garden restaurant in Little Rock was photographed doing a favor for someone having dinner there. What did he do?
A) Slapped the fork out of diner Sandy Merkin's hand, thus sparing her the soul-crushing disappointment of eating at Olive Garden.
B) Allowed someone he was waiting on to sniff the screw cap from their bottle of wine.
C) Invented the breadstick rope, which allows diners to eat a continuous stream of free bread from a large spool positioned beside the table.
D) Fed a baby girl from her bottle after seeing the baby's mother struggling to feed the child during dinner.
4) While in town for a gig at Magic Springs theme park, members of the Southern Rock band 38 Special were staying at a Hot Springs hotel when, according to a post on the band's Facebook page, keyboardist Bobby Capps did something surprising. What did he do?
A) Saw an elderly woman having a seizure by the pool and rushed to her aid, with Capps stabilizing her before running to call 911 — a move which EMTs on the scene said probably saved her life.
B) Revealed, shockingly, that he never had inappropriate relations with storied Arkansas groupie "Sweet Connie" Hamzy.
C) Only held on semi-loosely at best.
D) Confirmed the long-suspected theory that 38 Special and The Marshall Tucker Band are, in fact, the same band.
5) In what could be seen as the world's best argument for not giving teachers the whole summer off lest they get up to no good, an elementary school teacher from Benton and her husband were arrested in Hot Springs last month after cops said they did something a bit untoward during a night on the town. What, according to witness statements, did the teacher and her husband allegedly do?
A) Got thrown out of a strip club.
B) The wife allegedly told a security guard she would "fuck him up."
C) Got in their car and allegedly did a tire-smoking "donut" in the parking lot of the strip club.
D) ...while the husband allegedly fired a shotgun several times out the window of the car.
E) All of the above.