Instant karma's gonna git ya!
1) Recently, an officer with the Lowell Police Department resigned his position and was charged with a crime after being accused of a fairly significant lapse in judgment in June. According to his department, what did the officer do?
A) Lost the single bullet entrusted to him by Sheriff Andy Taylor.
B) Began his interaction with an African-American driver during a traffic stop by saying, "Sir, do you know how black you were going?"
C) Crashed a marked Lowell PD cruiser into another car while driving intoxicated.
D) Snuck his K-9 dog into a local kennel so his four-legged partner could get some strange from a sassy Pomeranian.
2) In Harrison last month, a woman found a surprise in her mailbox. What was it?
A) A very intimate Ku Klux Klan rally.
B) A postal money order mailed to her from Des Moines, Iowa, in May 1998.
C) A smaller mailbox, containing another smaller mailbox. That mailbox, in turn, contained yet another smaller mailbox. She has so far been unwilling to open the fourth-level mailbox.
D) A primitive, handwritten analogue version of an email.
3) A West Little Rock apartment complex recently launched a new tactic in the war on a common resident complaint. What is it?
A) All those who can't keep it down during sex have been moved to a single building so they can only disgust each other.
B) Free ear removal for any resident whose neighbor owns a Taylor Swift CD.
C) Swabbing the mouths of every dog in the complex for DNA, so piles of poop left on the lawn can be genetically traced back to the depositor.
D) To prevent the hassle of plumbing problems, all toilets have been replaced by chamber pots and an open pit filled with live hogs.
4) A white supremacist group based near Harrison recently sent a letter to the City of Memphis, making a request that is highly unlikely to be granted. What was the request?
A) The Grand Exalted Pompadour of the Unflagging Knightly Defenders of Chaste White Southern Maidenhood lost his wallet while passed out on Beale Street and was hoping somebody had turned it in to lost and found.
B) To hold a sleepover in the Jungle Room at Graceland, complete with pillow fights in white cotton granny panties.
C) To be allowed to pay to move the graves of Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest and his wife, Mary, from a Memphis city park to property it owns in Boone County.
D) To get "varmint" and "roadmeat" added to the list of acceptable items that can be barbecued at the annual Memphis in May cookoff.
5) After a dump of data hacked from the affair-enabling website ashleymadison.com revealed that Josh Duggar had an account there, Duggar — who spun his family's reality show fame into employment as a well-paid morality scold and lobbyist for the far-right Family Research Council before revelations that he'd molested several girls, including some of his sisters, as a teenager laid him low — issued a statement of apology that began in a surprisingly honest way. How did the statement begin?
A) "I am the biggest hypocrite ever."
B) "It's a good thing my religion requires unquestioning forgiveness once I repent so I can be back to fleecing you suckers again in a few months."
C) "Seeking a skilled psychotherapist willing to live full time with a large family for a new TV reality show called '19 Kids Need Cymbalta.' Candidate must provide own rape whistle."
D) "This could have done real damage to my reputation if I wasn't already a disgraced pariah."
ANSWERS: C, B, C, C, A