1) There’s been a disturbing pattern emerging at the East Arkansas Regional Unit of the Arkansas Department of Correction, at Brickeys. What’s going on?

A) The gigantic ethnic stereotype on death row refuses to use his magical healing powers to cure Tom Hanks’ urinary tract infection.

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B) Prisoners keep figuring out that, due to budget cuts, their cell bars are actually made of wrapping paper tubes painted gray.

C) Prison officials claim four inmates have committed suicide in their cells since March 2.

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D) Inmates attempting to escape by tunneling under the wall keep running into smugglers tunneling in with loads of K2 synthetic pot.

2) The Jan Morgan for Governor campaign recently solicited $50 donations in exchange for chances to win a semi-automatic Kimber handgun engraved with the far-right Republican’s signature, but there seemed to be an issue with the drawing for the gun. What was the problem?

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A) Being a living cartoon, Morgan’s signature naturally comes out in Comic Sans font.

B) At the time she signed the handgun, Morgan had worked herself into such a bigoted frenzy about Sharia law that she accidentally misspelled her own name as “Ban Muslims.”

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C) The drawing fit every definition for being a raffle, which is illegal under Amendment 84 of the Arkansas Constitution unless all funds collected are used “only for charitable, religious or philanthropic purposes.”

D) Due to a factory error, the pistol fires only white-hot bolts of pure logic, making the potential of being struck by a ricochet dangerous for any member of Morgan’s voter base.

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3) A recent Talk Business/Hendrix College poll of likely Republican primary voters found that 41.5 percent of them share a seemingly unlikely trait. What’s uniting them?

A) The name “Dwight.”

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B) A preference for wearing thong underpants.

C) They support Arkansas Works, the state’s unique version of Medicaid expansion for low-income Arkansans that is made possible by the Affordable Care Act, aka the much-hated “Obamacare.”

D) They all have at least one immediate family member who died from choking on a pickled egg.

4) The Fayetteville School Board recently announced it has retained outside counsel. Why did the board feel the need to bring in hired-gun legal help?

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A) The gym teacher’s insistence that heads are fair game in dodge ball.

B) It worries that the NRA-drafted “Glocks for Lockers” law passed by the state legislature last year may lead to student protests.

C) An employee has claimed Superintendent Matthew Wendt made unwanted sexual advances toward her, including allegedly threatening to withhold a raise if she didn’t have sex with him.

D) The Republican-majority school board hopes to sue textbook makers over the clear liberal bias of historical and scientific fact.

5) It looks as if the 72-year-old Turkey Trot festival in Yellville will go on, but the sponsoring Mid-Marion County Rotary Club said its financial involvement comes with a condition. What’s the condition?

A) No more selecting one citizen at random to stone to death in order to assure a bountiful harvest.

B) Marion County’s two remaining Democrats have to submit to public pillorying during the festival.

C) That a “phantom pilot” and his minions stop flinging terrified turkeys, some of which fall to their deaths, from his low-flying Cessna in a gruesome ritual that has drawn international condemnation in recent years.

D) Lt. Gov. Tim Griffin has to work the crowd while wearing a sweltering turkey costume.