Play at home!
1) On June 22, officials with ExxonMobil — which infamously flooded a Mayflower neighborhood and nearby wetland with crude oil in 2013 after a pipeline rupture — returned to Mayflower to present city leaders with a giant novelty check for $500,000 at a "grip and grin" event that might have led many to believe the money was a philanthropic gift. What was weird about the event?
A) The check was made of human skin.
B) When Mayflower tried to cash it, the check bounced.
C) Sweltering heat melted the glue on ExxonMobil officials' lifelike masks, revealing them to be man-sized lizards.
D) The $500,000 was part of a court-ordered $5 million settlement over the oil spill. (The $4.5 million still owed to Mayflower apparently will be paid with a plain ol' check-sized check).
2) Work is scheduled to start again next month on a $24.5 million bridge at Clarendon, which was put on hold after inspectors with the Arkansas Highway and Transportation Department noticed the contractor made a mistake. What was the issue?
A) Road deck made of sheetrock mud and chicken wire.
B) Seventy "bearing pads" — which help the bridge absorb vertical and horizontal stresses — were installed upside down.
C) Went along with Monroe County Judge Bobby Jack Pecker's insistence that signage refer to the structure as the "Trump-Pecker Bridge."
D) The "bridge" is actually just a very realistic painting of a bridge on a brick wall, Wile E. Coyote style.
3) On June 20, a grass-roots political group turned in over 100,000 signatures to the secretary of state, part of an attempt to get a measure before voters on the November ballot. What was the group, and what is their proposal?
A) Arkansans for Compassionate Care, a group pushing for medical marijuana.
B) Arkies for Adequate Swimwear, advocating for a ban on what they call "banana hanger" swimsuits for men.
C) The Coalition for Responsible Coalitions, which would like to see a cap on the number of groups that can legally be called a "coalition."
D) The Committee for a Less Stupider Tomorrow, which advocates for the purchase and installation of a soundproof glass dome over Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway).
4) Speaking of Bro. Sen. Rapert, an LGBT group has scheduled a protest outside Rapert's Conway office at 1 p.m. Friday, July 1. What's the plan for the protest?
A) Much needed visit by the Bookmobile.
B) Return of Jesus, with The Lord reportedly vowing to "slap some sense into his ass."
C) Gay and lesbian kiss-a-thon.
D) Free tinfoil hats and anti-booger sticks to help ward off The Gay Agenda.
5) Recently, police said, a man who had been arrested in Jonesboro for indecent exposure allegedly disrupted court there by doing something that will likely catch him another charge. What, according to police, did he do?
A) Put the SYSTEM on trial, man!
B) Was told he couldn't handle the truth, handled it and then some.
C) Stripped naked near the judge's bench, while shouting, "COURT'S BACK IN SESSION!"
D) Dropped his pants, sat down in the witness box, then complained that they were out of toilet paper.
6) The Little Rock Zoo announced recently that it's added something new: a pair of Yellow-Backed Duikers. What is a Yellow-Backed Duiker?
A) Lesser species of Fouke Monster.
B) Rare cousin of the more common Red-Necked Dumbass.
C) A small antelope, native to Africa.
D) Huge, friendly, rainbow-furred hominids wished into existence from the childlike imagination of Assistant Zoo Director Susan Altrui.
ANSWERS: D, B, A, C, C, C