Play at home, while wondering what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born!
1) Razorback football player Jeremy Sprinkle was arrested and later suspended from the team just before New Year's Eve. What alleged crime landed him in hot water with the police and kept the senior tight end from playing in the Belk Bowl in Charlotte, N.C.?
A) He was allegedly caught shoplifting $200 in merchandise.
B) From, amazingly, a Belk store.
C) Even though every player participating in the Belk Bowl had been given a $450 gift card to spend at the store, plus a 20 percent discount on all merchandise.
D) All of the above.
2) The Arkansas Medical Marijuana Commission recently set a crucial new rule governing those who wish to cultivate marijuana for the state's voter-approved medical marijuana system. What was the rule?
A) Sets a fee of $15,000 for new cultivation center applications, with only $7,500 refunded if the application is rejected.
B) Marijuana must be tested to make sure it doesn't transform users into iguanas, as seen in the 1991 Cheech and Chong film, "Nice Dreams."
C) Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
D) Zero tolerance for reefer madness, reefer grumpiness and/or any reefer-related case of the Mondays.
3) KARK, Channel 4, reported just before Christmas that a Cabot father called police on his daughter because he didn't like the present she gave him. What was the present?
A) Trump: The Game (now with nuclear annihilation bonus round!).
B) Home colonoscopy playset.
C) A prank package that sprayed glitter everywhere when the box was opened.
D) Remaindered copy of Gov. Mike Huckabee's 2015 book, "I'm Fat Again, but It's Obama's Fault."
4) In December, the Carroll County Sheriff's Office announced it had taken a surprising step to close a criminal case. What did it do?
A) Brought in ace gumshoe Berryville Finnegan to help solve the Case of the Purloined Pekinese.
B) Set up a round of doggie speed dating for its lovesick drug dog, Bluto P. Crimehound.
C) Employed a psychic to help locate a truckload of interracial gay porn hijacked on the way to Harrison.
D) Paid $2,400 in Bitcoin to hackers to release its infected computers from the "ransomware" that encrypted its system, making all files unreadable.
5) Early in December, the Dallas Morning News reported that Arkansas had triumphed over Texas in the latest skirmish of a long-running battle. What's the issue that was (momentarily) settled?
A) Arkansas cheese dip was declared superior to Texas queso during a blind taste test held by Republicans in the U.S. Senate.
B) Arkansas State Police foiled yet another attempt by Texas officials to smuggle a sedated Ted Nugent into Arkansas and leave him at a highway rest stop.
C) Texas dissidents successfully reached freedom by flying a crude hot air balloon over the fortified wall separating East and West Texarkana.
D) Texans have agreed to stop referring to Arkansas as "Louisiana's hat" if Arkansans will stop calling Texas "America's ballsack."