A) America's dignity and respect among the nations of the world.
B) The skull of Maude Crawford.
C) The evolutionary missing link between slime mold and lobbyist.
D) Three syringes, a folded $20 bill and a Dilaudid pill inside the woman's vagina.
A) A university files suit in court, seeking permission to demolish a picturesque church headed by "Pastor Dave."
B) Houston mega-church pastor Joel Osteen's mattress, stuffed with $100 bills, is stolen and only Inspector Jesus can crack the case.
C) Satan, George
D) The most talented Christian rock band in the country decides to call it quits, instantly upping the quality of American music by 3 full percentage points.
3) The teen birth rate in the U.S. has dropped more than 50 percent since 2007, thanks to increased access and usage of contraceptives by teenagers. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which of the following is true of the birth rate in Arkansas?
A) Most of the births are Duggars.
B) 21 percent of the baby girls born in Arkansas last year
C) We're still No. 1 in the nation for teen births, with a rate of 38 per 1,000 teenage girls — double the national average.
D) The teen pregnancy rate in the state has cratered due to sterility in teen boys caused by the popular "Two Ball Croquet" fad.
4) Big River Steel, a state-of-the-art mill situated in Mississippi County, reported a bit of good news recently. What was it?
A) Their metallurgists have finally succeeded in making Hulk-proof steel.
B) They're discontinuing corrugated roofing production to focus solely on making tinfoil hats for Alex Jones supporters.
C) Their blast furnaces are no longer fueled by heaps of tax dollars.
D) They're paying off a $50 million loan from the state 17 years early.
5) A firefighter in the tiny community of Earle has been relieved of duty "indefinitely" after he did something that didn't sit well with his superiors. What did he do?
A) Turned out to be a member of the National Rifle Association's spin-off,
B) Got drunk and used a Sharpie marker to connect the dots on the departmental Dalmatian.
C) Made a Facebook post in which he said any pro athletes who kneel in protest during the National Anthem should be shot in the head.
D) Kept lubing the pole in the firehouse.