1) Hunter Hatcher, outreach coordinator for State Treasurer Dennis Milligan, recently got himself in hot water over something he posted on social media. What was the issue?
A) An inauguration day Facebook post in which Hatcher said that because of Trump, "gay jokes are back on ya bunch of homos."
B) A post during the Jan. 21 Women's March in Little Rock in which Hatcher wondered "if all these women are at the Capitol, who's making lunch?"
C) A Jan. 1 post in which Hatcher said: "Equality? Don't get equal, get to cooking woman. Get equal on your own time."
D) All of the above. Upside: Hatcher may soon have more time to browse Facebook and work on his own ramen noodle cooking technique. He resigned from the treasurer's office, and the Arkansas Army National Guard, in which he serves, should eventually return his computer and phone.
2) Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the daughter of former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, was appointed to a position in the White House the day before the inauguration of Donald Trump. What's the job?
A) Assistant robe and hood ironer for Steve Bannon.
B) Deputy assistant to the president and principal deputy press secretary.
C) Wrangler of the weeping, misshapen child that lives inside Donald Trump.
D) Lincoln Bedroom urine mopper.
3) Speaking of Mike Huckabee, financial backers of a product Huckabee shilled for may be in deep legal trouble, with attorneys in Missouri saying a class-action lawsuit could net hundreds of millions in damages. What was the Huckster pushing?
A) Trump Spam: Still Terrible, but in a Golden Can!
B) A Christian-themed flop movie called "The Last Ounce of Courage," for which Huckabee recorded a robocall that appeared to be a survey but was actually an advertisement. Lawyers say the robocall, which allegedly went out to around 2 million landlines in September 2012, ran afoul of a law against using prerecorded messages to sell products without getting consent from the person being called. Those who break the law can reportedly be liable for up to $1,500 in damages per call.
C) Mike Huckabee's Stuff Your Ignorant Gob Buffet in Branson, Mo.
D) Huckabee's new book: "I'm With Stupid: How Buying This Book Full of Short-Sighted, Un-Christian Horseshit Can Save America."
4) More details are coming out by the day about shady payments from the state's General Improvement Fund, the pork trough controlled by state legislators. Which of the following is a real payment provided from the GIF?
A) $40,000 for "Ozone Therapy," a quack medicine technique.
B) $121,646 for "The Committee to Lure Sen. Jason Rapert Into a Large Cardboard Box With Prepaid Postage to Antarctica LLC."
C) $3,244 to pay for new letterhead following the designation of Rep. Kim Hendren (R-Gravette) as the official state dinosaur.
D) $80,000 to pay for a big-game hunter to keep a tranquilizer gun trained on the neck of Sen. Bart Hester (R-Cave) at all times during the legislative session.
5) There was an interesting development during preparations for the Arkansas Inaugural Gala in Washington, D.C., the state's contribution to the slate of balls surrounding the inauguration of Donald Trump. What happened?
A) Organizers found that Trump's inaugural concert had totally exhausted the D.C. area's supply of ZZ Top cover bands, Holiday Inn lounge regulars, subway buskers, Toby Keiths and teenagers who kinda know how to play the opening riff from "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
B) On his Facebook page, Lt. Gov. Tim Griffin posted what Homeland Security called "a credible threat" to drop a deuce in the punchbowl.
C) The gala had to be canceled, organizers said, because they didn't sell a single ticket.
D) Attendees' worst fears were finally realized when outgoing President Barack Obama snuck into their homes back in Arkansas, personally confiscated their guns and married them off to gay people while they were in D.C.