Columns » Bob Lancaster

God’s standards

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Candidate Huckabee said last week he favors amending the U.S. Constitution to bring it in line with “God's standards.”

That's a big job that would entail adoption of a number of amendments, and since the candidate didn't specify, I thought I'd help him out by recommending a few.

1. An amendment against bearing false witness.

Bearing false witness is might near the same thing as lying but not quite. For example, say you're a governor and you've worked hard to get a notorious rapist released from prison just because his victim was a cousin of a political enemy of yours, then when he gets out, he goes on a murdering spree, and you've meantime decided to run for president, so you say, “Hey, there's no blood on my hands, I didn't have anything to do with any of this.” That is your basic, all-too-common, slime-weasel false-witness-bearing, and God hates it with such a purple passion that he put a ban of it in the famous Top 10 of his commandments. A tough constitutional amendment might do a better job of controlling it.

2. An amendment to prohibit adultery.

Adultery is even more of a no-no than slime-weasel false-witness-bearing as far as God is concerned, being nearer the top of the commandments list, up there between shan't kill and shan't steal. God seems to favor stoning as the proper capital punishment for those caught in the act, but in deference to Bro. Huckabee's sect's proud gender bias, the constitutional amendment I'm proposing would provide only for the woman to be stoned. The woman is nearly always the instigator in these cases. The man could get off with a lesser punishment — castration, say, or probation.

The adultery amendment would apply to gay people too — we can't let them get away with anything — but since God doesn't recognize gay marriages it technically wouldn't be adultery. God probably wouldn't mind, though, if we went ahead and stoned gay people to death anyway,

3. An amendment to prohibit eating pork.

Christians who like pork chops, barbecue pulled-pork sandwiches, pickled pigs' feet, Petit Jean ham, Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage, BLTs, pork rinds, chitlins, or souse pretend that God isn't as interested in their diets and menus as he was in those of the Chosen People back in the old days. They're kidding themselves. If anything, he's more interested. We are classier people than the scabrous, stiffnecked Children of Israel, so he's bound to love us more, and bound to hate seeing us cramming down crap that makes him gag. It's not just pork, either. Anything that creeps is out. Also owls, crows, and bats. And much of the seafood, including lobsters, crabs, oysters, and shrimp, as is fully explained in Leviticus.

4. An amendment to prohibit being stiffnecked.

Who knows what it is about a crick that sets him off, but all through the first books of the Bible God is p.o.'ed at somebody for being stiffnecked. He equates stiffneckedness with wickedness, and hates it even more than he hates Onanism (aka whacking off), or clemency for witches, or Sunday shopping, or seeing your aunt naked, or being in the same building with a guy who lost nads in the war or a farming accident.

5. An amendment to prohibit politicians from accepting gifts.

Bro. Huckabee has taken more gifts than any politician since Teapot Dome, and sees nothing wrong with the practice, which is hard to understand with Exodus 23:8 staring him in the face. It says, “And thou shalt take no gift: for the gift blindeth the wise, and perverteth the words of the righteous.” How could you read that, file for president, and open up a gift registry at Dillard's at the same time? You could say you must've accidentally overlooked that passage, but in that case God repeats the gift ban almost word for word in Deuteronomy 16:19. We'll repeat it again in our no-gifts-for-pols constitutional amendment.

6. An amendment to require that people have pooper-scoopers not only for their dogs but for themselves.

This one is necessary because God likes to walk at night in the camps of his followers — or he used to, anyway — and there are some things he'd prefer not to step in, if you know what I mean. For further details, see Deuteronomy 23:13-14.

7. An amendment to require that, if two men are fighting and the wife of one of them sneaks up and grabs her husband's opponent by the privates, in order to give her husband the advantage, then the fight has to be stopped at that point and a swordsman brought in to cut the woman's hand off.

Yes, this seems a rather small point to squander a constitutional amendment on, but the object here is to bring the Constitution into compliance with God's standards, and, like it or not, a fair fight with no spousal interference is one of God's standards.

These amendment proposals are obviously just a drop in the bucket of what will be required to get our full theocracy up and running. Send me your amendment nominations for behavior or heresies or mischief or idiosyncrasies that you think God would like to see made unconstitutional, and I'll pass them along to whoever's in charge.

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