Columns » Bob Lancaster

Fish party


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Huckabee diehards and contemporaneous others with high quotients of unrequited Christian zeal are threatening to start a third political party, having nigh given up on the Donkey and Elephant as incorrigibly godless. Maybe it'll be the Glory Hallelujah Party, its totem the Jesus Fish.

They might as well. It looks like their only real hope for agenda advancement.

They've hung patiently for half a lifetime now with the Grand Old Party, and what has it got them? I mean besides high-dollar Justice Department jobs for the entire Pat Robertson Law School children-of-the-corn diaspora? They've received scandalously few tits for all their tats, and behind their backs Bush aides ridiculed them as morons. Cheney might've been sincere chumming with Falwell to show appreciation — to show the Fish Folk he didn't think they were any more insane than he was — but who among the rest of that scabrous Decider crew was ever sincere in dealing with Christian wack jobs or with anybody else?

The Fish Folk must know McCain won't let bygones be, and they'd as soon cozy to Beelzebub as to surrender-monkey Democrats. So why not put out in their own vessel, with JHC to pilot and nothing really to lose?

Lord knows how many hecatombs of their tithes and love-offerings have gone to finance ungrateful Republican campaigns, and a handful of ungrateful Democratic ones, and what has been their paltry ROI? Let us review.

Has either the Democratic Party or the Republican Party done a blessed thing in the way of throwing God back into the public-school classroom that he was so rudely and impiously thrown out of by a Supreme Court that surely will burn in Hell for it if it isn't already burning? No, neither of them has. It would require a colossal heave, granted, but all the Dems and all the Pubs are that terrified of a little herniation in such a worthy cause?

Has either party done a frazzling thing in the way of putting God back onto the P.A. in the press box before football games so he can give blessed assurance to relatives and well-wishers of players on both teams that no overlarge percentage of those players will be killed outright or left in a permanent vegetative state? Again, no. Neither party cares what happens to our boys on the football field. Both are willing to trust our boys' welfare to pure luck. It's a scandal. A disgrace.

Has either party made more than a token effort to return Adam and Eve and Pinch-Me-Tight to the science classroom from whence they were banished as cruelly as they were from Eden by El Grande Senor, or to throw the dried-up ape-loving little God-hater Darwin out? Or, as a compromise, has there been a single seriously-meant rider or earmark to require them all to stay there in the classroom and hash out the messy origins business amongst themselves, apple core v. finch beak in a kind of cage match of the immortals? No, of course not.

Has either party done diddly in the way of remembering the Sabbath to keep it holy? For instance, by prohibiting convenience stores from selling nachos, or my hyperactive neighbor over here from mowing his yard in the very middle of the Sunday School hour? No, all day Sunday at Wal-Mart you'll see Republican and Democrat together, sadly oblivious to the spirit of the old blue laws, trying to scooter-cart outrace one another to get first grab at the best-brand suppositories, grout cleaner and lawn-care products.

And what has either party done in the way of protecting your constitutional and God-given right to whup the tar out of your young'uns when you catch them cussing or smoking or something serious like beating their meat?

What has either party done in the way of pro-life legislation, such as prosecuting givers and getters of abortions for murder and also their apologists?

What has either party done, except for a lot of yapping, to see that the homos are rounded up and put back into the closet from which they should never have been allowed to emerge?

What has either party done about the scourge of uppity women? (One party not only approves of women in the pulpit, it may even nominate one of the heifers for the Bully Pulpit!)

What has either party done to help win the War on Christmas?

What has either party done to promote the Waterboarding for Jesus concept popularized by a couple of the televangelists?

What has either party done to promote “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's and the rest unto Brother Copeland”?

What has either party done to clamp down on mockers, scoffers, doubters, idolators, rabbit punchers, hoarders, shirkers, the uncircumsized, cults, secular humanists, illegals, false prophets, astrophysicists, welfare chiselers, the lost, the lukewarm, beatniks, Hindoos, whoremongers, media negativity, pool, stem-cell research, gun-control weasels, the almost persuaded, the coat-holders, the divorced, global-warming wimps, faux-fur scolds, backward masking, enablers, biology teachers, Mel Gibson critics, contraception, bunny huggers, those who would remove “under God” from the pledge and smut?

Rhetorical questions all.


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