Columns » Bob Lancaster

Endangered list



Better enjoy them now because these rascals won't be around long (the ones that haven't disappeared already).


Nice rides.

Phonographs with turntables.

Vintage Ms. Pac-man video games.

Sane talk radio.

Free web content.

Smoke breaks.

Hand-written letters.

Having a few cold ones on your own porch with the guys, not being loud and obnoxious about it, either.

Public phones.

Public phones that work.


Neighborly gestures, such as stranded-motorist assistance.

Home-made quilts.

Home-made anything.

Post-snakehead native fishes.


Funny funnies.

Bluebirds, if you have cats.

Lounge lizards.

Saturday mail.

Home-phone confidence that the vice president isn't eavesdropping.

Public officials double-dipping.

Time-and-a-half overtime.

Blessed assurance that you won't be shot in church.

Baseball players with unshriveled nads.

Trying to steal electricity with jumper cables.

Thank-you notes.

Competent book editors.

Competent tech support.

Unbowdlerized classics.

Unredacted  government documents.

Abortion providers willing to put up with all the stress and hassle.

A human being on the other end of the line.


Places to have your shoes resoled. (Or resold, if you're tired of them. Or resouled, if they've sinned.)

Golf announcers who don't kiss the ground the Tiger walks on.

Televangelical get-well prayer requests that came in without a donation.

Co-pays that are less than your house payment or car payment.

Good teeth, if you do meth.

Gunny sacks.

Papal indulgences.

Horseshoe-pitching tournaments.

The turtle hull.

Your Miranda rights.


Getting away somewhere you can't be reached.

The security of knowing that you have a full-size spare tire and a strong jack.

Chili with at least an inch of grease floating on top.

Your Minnie Pearl hat with the price-tag.

The cattle prod you use on people holding up the cafeteria serving line.

The Best of Amos and Andy on TV.

The village locofoco.

Green Party candidates, i.e. actually interested in issues.

Antibiotics that work.

Or some of those extra-strength placebos.

Hospitals where you aren't more likely to die from an infection you got there than from whatever caused you to seek treatment there in the first place.

Polar bears.


Happy Hours.


Winning streaks.

Your tanning bed.



Laffer curves.




One-Hour Martinizing.

Home-field advantage.

Vittles cooked in lard. That is, tasty vittles.


Butane tanks in the yard.


Family farming.

Family planning.

Family values.

Underwear that stays out of sight.

County-fair fare.

Bag swings.




Cash on the barrelhead.

Good grooming.

Good grammar.

Good speling.

Knife-flipping games with an infant nearby.

Seining bar pits for fish bait.

Free tailgating.

Inheritance taxes.

Pain-free joints.

Car fins.

Tasty tomato varieties of Century 21.

Gasoline under $3.

Sightseeing opportunities in Pine Bluff.

Drinkable restaurant tea.

Plausible excuses for continuing to live in Cabot.

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