Columns » Bob Lancaster

Doing goons

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We have an old sorehead in our Sunday School class who’s one of these what you call a Darwinist. He has many strange beliefs, such as that people, monkeys, stray dogs and fishing worms all came up out of the same pot. I don’t know why someone like that would even come to church, unless it’s to annoy those of us who are sincere believers and have good sense.

He was there Sunday a week ago with a newspaper clipping to show the Go-Getters, which is the nickname of our Sunday School class, with the formal name being the Fountain Filled With Blood Drawn From Immanuel’s Veins class. Here’s what his clipping said: It said DNA tests on some old bones now prove that there was crossbreeding between human beings and Neanderthal beings 37,000 years ago. Our position was: All right. So what?

We didn’t know what point he was trying to prove, but it sure was annoying because this was just before the election and the Go-Getters, or Blood Fountain Folk as we are sometimes called, had more important concerns, such as getting out the vote to unseparate church and state enough to criminalize abortion and homoism, except when saved people and famous televangelists do it by mistake, misled by the Devil, and deserve forgiveness and a second chance, or several second chances. What did we care about some ancient hanky-panky between some heathens and some goons?

Well, the old sorehead said he just wanted to get our nitwit creationist or intelligent-design slant on human beings and goons doing Bill Clintons on one another way back before we believe there even WAS anything yet. So what follows is our composite Go-Getter Blood Fountain slant. It may have a few holes in it, yes, but it’s sincere and as true to the Good Book as we knew how. OK, here it is:

The first human beings looked like superheroes and supermodels, but the race went downhill fast after they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Partly this deterioration was because they went to smoking cigarettes and eating junk food, and lying around depressed instead of getting the right amount of exercise. The depression was brought on by the constant thought of all the carnivores out there, ready to pounce on them and devour them and their loved ones too. Shotguns weren’t invented yet so all they could do to protect against the wild beasts was stay together and throw rocks. Very depressing.

It only took about five generations for them to degenerate from big beautiful godlike creatures to the scrawny, knuckle-dragging, hairy little cavemen you see pictured in the science books. It’s because the transition was so fast that there’s no evidence of it in the fossil record. Even Adam himself, by the time he expired at age 900, wasn’t any bigger and didn’t look much different from a chimpanzee. And you know they recently found Eve’s skeletal remains there in Ethiopia and she went from looking like Marilyn Monroe at the time of the expulsion to a three-foot runt monkey of the type they call australopithecine when she finally died. Very sad.

The scientists of today say our caveman runt-monkey period lasted millions of years but it didn’t. It took us less than 900 years to hit bottom and we bounced back even quicker than that. You have to admit that Noah building the ark was nearly a full bounce-back insofar as technological ingenuity from a little old chittering runtmonkey with a big cat chasing it. So the caveman period was 1,800 years at the most, and we were definitely all the way back to the Garden of Eden level when the shepherd boy slew Goliath. And it was the shortest of steps forward then from David’s slingshot to Fred Remington’s shotgun and where we humans are today.

Goliath meantime was the last of the giant race they called the Neanderthals. There might have been a few Neanderthals after him but his big flop there on the field of battle so demoralized their race that it just went ahead and died out.

God created the Neanderthals on the fifth day, when he did the other lower animals, and he exiled them from the gitgo, perhaps regarding them as a failed experiment, requiring them to live outside the garden, with the dinosaurs and all. That was a mixed blessing for them — bad because the big cats could chase and eat them; good because outside the garden there was no apple tree for them to learn sin from by eating the fruit, making God mad enough to sentence them to their own scrawny caveman phase. They were clean-shaved giants, proud of their great stature, from beginning to end.

It was during the caveman period that human beings allegedly bred with these goons, and as scrawny as the humans were and big as the Neanderthals were, it just about had to have been the Neanderthals’ idea. They must’ve thought it would improve their stock somehow, or they might just have been out for a good time. Anyway, the crossbreeding somehow gave the human beings the survival advantage, surely much to the Neanderthals’ surprise, just as the slingshot was.

You can still see a faint trace of Neanderthal in Arnold Schwarzenegger and his type but it’s not polite to say so.

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