Columns » Bob Lancaster

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1. "Vote God. Don't get me wrong. I'm not endorsing either candidate for president, on account of I wouldn't want to jeopardize our tax-exempt status. But me and God would sure appreciate it if you'd vote for George W. Bush." Who said it? (a) A yahoo preacher at Springdale who's the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's new hero. (b) Someone doing a paraphrase of that Springdale preacher. (c) Some irreverent smart aleck doing a parody of such pulpit pranksters. (d) Rev. Jerry Falwell. (e) President Bush, as one of his "faith-based initiatives." (f) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, who often speaks for God when God seems reluctant to speak for himself. 2. "His spiritual light - his light of integrity, character and a God-centered worldview-shines just as brightly today as it did that day in September, 2001, when he grabbed the bullhorn in New York City. The darker the world gets, the brighter that light shines." Who said it? (a) St. Paul, talking about Jesus Christ in the "modern retelling" of the Gospels now playing on Broadway. (b) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, writing about President Bush in a new anthology of brown-nosing titled "Thank You, President Bush!" (c) An editorial writer for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, in an editorial titled, "Aw, C'mon Now, Let Us Get Our Nose In There, Too." (d) Pat Robertson, in praise of himself. (e) That yahoo Springdale preacher again. 3. "Go f-word yourself." Who said it? (a) Vice President Cheney, extending the greeting he usually extends to anyone who criticizes Halliburton's profiteering in Iraq and elsewhere. (b) Vice President Cheney, giving his usual reply when asked where he's been keeping himself the last few years. (c) Vice President Cheney, responding as he has come to do more and more when anybody says anything to him about anything. (e) Former Vice President Spiro Agnew, who was pretty much the same way. (f) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, responding to critics of his liberal clemency policy. 4. "Shove it." Who said it? (a) Senator Leahy of Vermont, responding to Vice President Cheney's invitation or instruction to go f-word himself. (b) Laura Bush, the microbiology authority, telling the Reagan family what they could do with their opinions about stem-cell research. (c) Teresa Kerry, explaining options to one of the sleazoid provocateurs who scribe for one of the vilest of the hate-Clinton rags. (c) Johnny Paycheck, in the song. (d) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, responding to critics of his liberal clemency policy. (e) That dratted Springdale preacher again. (f) Former Vice President Agnew, whose vocabulary seldom ranged further than quotations No. 3 and No. 4. 5. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Who said it? (a) Sure sounds like Osama bin Laden. (b) Or Yasser Arafat. (c) Goofy enough to be Baghdad Bob. (d) Nixon, toward the end. (e) President Bush, trying to make a point, but … uh… (f) Groucho Marx, in the same movie in which he talks about shooting the elephant in his pajamas. (k) "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being President." (r) That Springdale preacher again, really beginning to get on my nerves. (v) Nobody said it; nobody's that much of a moron; it's bound to be one of those made-up quotes, like from Rick Bragg or Jayson Blair or quotation No. 7 below. 6. "I'm not in any form against gays and lesbians. I'm not a homophobian." Who said it? (a) A Pulaski County justice of the peace who seems to have about as much on the ball as that Springdale preacher. (b) Ay, carumba, that Springdale preacher. (c) President Bush, in his endorsement of the Gay Marriage Ban amendment. (d) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, in his endorsement of the same. (e) Kermit, who added, "An amphibian, yes. But not a homophobian." 7. "You can't really call yourself a Southerner unless'n you've experienced the great thrill of blowing something's head off, and experienced it a right smart." Who said it? (a) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, ridiculing Sen. Edwards, the Democratic vice presidential nominee, as anti-Southern for saying he's no longer an avid hunter or NASCAR follower. (b) Tommy Robinson, apparently referring to varmints rather than suspects, or maybe not. (c) Congressman Mike Ross, tying himself ever tighter to the NRA. (d) Justice Scalia and Vice President Cheney, in a joint statement after one of their recent duck shoots. (e) Sen. Blanche Lincoln, attempting to shore up her South Arkansas support. 8. "Who would free a madman who beat an 18-year-old woman with Chinese martial-art sticks, raped her as she barely clung to life, ran over her with his car, then dumped her in the bayou, her hand reaching up, as if begging for mercy?" Who said it? (a) A Jacksonville newspaper editor, referring to Bro.-Gov. Huckabee's announcement that he planned to grant clemency to that particular obviously-deserving perp. (b) Some bleeding heart who just can't get over such a mere "incident," as the perp and his pastor described the crime. (c) Some Democrat. (d) Somebody who doesn't appreciate that the governor has more important things to think about.

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