Columns » Bob Lancaster

Demons out the wazoo


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We learned last week that Bro. Pat Robertson blames homoism on demonic possession.

Hardly a surprise since, over the years, Bro. Pat has fingered demonic possession as the root cause of, or a smoking-gun contributing factor in, all manner of revolting developments.

According to the gospel of Bro. Pat —

• Demonic possession was behind a crack that appeared in the Washington Monument a few years ago

• The big earthquake in Haiti was the demonic aftershock of a pact with the Devil made more than 200 years ago by a cadre of Port-au-Prince voodoo coup-plotters.   

• It was obviously the demonic possession of some of the Denver Broncos management that caused them to trade away St. Tim Tebow.

• Demonic possession inspired the "Twilight" movie series and the romanticizing of vampirism by the giggly set.

• Demonic possession prompted the laughter that greeted Bro. Pat's claim that a miracle anti-aging drink mix he was peddling on "The 700 Club" allowed his ancient doddering pencil-shinned self to leg-press weight that exceeded the standing world record by several hundred pounds.

• The recent tornado deaths in Missouri were the result of insufficient praying — indicative of demonic possession — by the victims as the cyclones bore down on them.

• Only the demon-possessed would suggest anything untoward in Bro. Pat's championing of African dictators who in parlous times allowed him to go on gouging gold nuggets and diamonds out of his private Dark Continent mines and spiriting them off in his personal fleet of cargo planes.

• Plastic surgery is a sign of demonic possession, and Bro. Pat advocated divorcing your spouse if he or she developed Alzheimer's, which he called "a kind of death" that he seemed to equate with zombieism, which, as we all know, is just demonic possession by another name.

Muslims, Hindus, Walt Disney World, the ACLU, feminists, liberals, people who've given, had, or advocated abortions, 9/11, evolutionists, pagans, Methodists, hurricanes — all characteristic of demonic possession, all predictable consequences of same.

Nothing about demons causing volcanic eruptions — I guess because in the Roberstonian view it goes without saying.

This is all pretty funny, I suppose, in a televangelical moronic kind of way. But I haven't been able to enjoy it as I might if I didn't cleave to an embarrassingly similar belief that demonic possession is a plausible answer to some of the race's longstanding unanswered questions.

I think it was demons rather than extra-terrestrials who performed all the cattle mutilations a few years back, for instance. Just for the hell of it.

It was a demon that thought up the concept of gnarliness.

Dick Cheney is a demon. Not demon-possessed, mind you, but the real mccoy. A demon inside him would only hold him back.

A demon founded and named Smackover, and gave it its feng shui and savoir faire.

A demon named Barbarino taught L. Ron Hubbard the principles of Scientology.

It was a demon named Moroni — not an angel as he thought — that led Joseph Smith to those golden plates and helped him translate them into leaden prose.

The reason we haven't been back to the moon is we found out it was crawling with demons. It's a penal colony for demons that couldn't or didn't get the job done.

The Beebe blackbirds were flying along uneventfully at about 5,000 feet — some of them listening to music with earplugs, some chatting about current events or the beauty of the night sky — when they crossed paths with a streaming demon that possessed them briefly, just passing through, the extra weight causing them to kamikaze down, killed by the fall, but the demon unhurt by it, gathering himself up and cruising on up to Dardanelle to have possession sport with a big school of drum fish.


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