Columns » Bob Lancaster

Darwin blows

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To: Beebe science students, Grades 4-12 From: Your school board Subject: Theory vs. fact Hi! Go Badgers! We, the Beebe School Board, want to welcome you to science class at your school. We hope this insert doesn’t make your science book all fat and messy, but we didn’t want you getting all mixed-up about some things just because the writers of this textbook don’t know their you-know-whats from a hole in the ground. You can trust our science info over theirs because we got ours from leading clergymen, coaches, and motivational speakers, and from authoritative alternative reading material that we sent off for. Mainly what we wanted to warn you about is believing theories over facts. Theories are just wild guesses, usually made by crackpots, and facts are just common sense. Evolution is a theory, for example, and it’s a fact that we ought to have a prayer over the p.a. before all of our home games. Pretty simple, isn’t it? The theory of evolution says your ancestors were monkeys and before that some kind of walking fish. A man named Darwin thought it up but later changed his story because he didn’t want to go to h-e-double-hockeysticks when he died. This was similar to the way the woman in Roe v. Wade changed her mind about abortion theory. It’s also similar to the proverbial atheist in the foxhole, don’t you agree? The theory of evolution says there’s no such thing as a soul. We know that is crap because scientific experiments have been done where people were weighed right before they died and then right after they died, and they weighed a tiny bit more before they died. That was the weight of their souls. It wasn’t much because souls don’t have fat or bones or corpuscles or hair or grit or other weighty material. If you use ultraviolet light and other scientific tricks, you can actually see the soul leaving the body. It is shaped sort of like a cocklebur. Evolution has us working our way up from slime to a crawfish to a lizard to a German shepherd to a dinosaur, and so on, while the obvious fact, which everybody knows who ever went to Sunday School, is that we went straight from dust to Adam and Eve. And no, neither one of them had a navel or belly-button or what the folks here in Beebe traditionally call a “tater hole.” It is a fact, too, that Adam and Eve, while indisputably Caucasian themselves, just about had to be the ancestors of Negroes, Hispanics (even the illegal ones), Asians, Native Americans, Semitic people, Australian aborigines, and Eskimos, though the jury is still out on homosexuals. This is a fact and not a theory but it can get confusing because it strays over into the area of another of those troublemaker theories, this one called genetics, which is all right as long as you confine it to catching criminals by their DNA, but gets into trouble over cloning, stem-cell research, and the like. The theory of genetics is all about genes, which weigh about the same as souls but don’t have the wings or the afterlife. This is a different kind of gene from Gene Autry, although Gene Autry had genes, as we all do, and he is dead, meaning his soul has transmigrated. It’s a fact that he died, and a fact that his soul left, and a fact that he had genes, and a fact that he was a descendant of Adam and Eve rather than Adam and Steve, but it’s only a theory that he, rather than Roy Rogers, should have been given the title of King of the Cowboys. Maybe that will clear up some of the confusion. There are some other dangerous theories that you might come across in this textbook or this science class. One of these is called the Big Bang. Certain of your classmates are sure to call this the Gang Bang theory, and if they do you should report them. Let’s see how funny they think it is with a red hiney. Another one is the Theory of Relativity, which claims that E equals MC squared, which means that everything is relative so there’s no right and wrong. Liberals believe this but not sane people. You can see where it leads. If there’s no right or wrong, you might as well get F’s as A’s, or D’s as B’s, or just forget it and go play computer games or take turns hitting one another on the shoulder as hard as you can. Only gifted athletes can succeed in life believing things like that. There’s also string theory, but it’s pretty complicated, so you’re on your own with that one. And game theory. And number theory. And the germ theory of disease. We know for a fact that there are germs, but it’s only a theory that they cause disease. It could just as easily be evil spirits that cause disease. It could be fluoridation. It could be terrorists with invisible weapons of mass destruction. Another theory that shouldn’t even be dignified is the one concerning the shape or contents that your head has to have for you to be a member in good standing of this board. That’s not fact or theory either one; it’s pure libel.

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